Post written by Zen Family Habits contributor Corey Allan. Follow him on Twitter.
If there is one thing that will throw a wrench in married-life, it’s kids. Don’t get me wrong, kids are a tremendous blessing and source of fun and laughter, but they can also be whiny, energy draining monsters that can suck joy out of things at a the drop of a hat.
With kids around the house, no matter what their ages, life gets more complicated and busy. Activities, homework, chores, meal, bedtimes, carpools, and on it goes.
Much of how we do family is learned and passed down through the generations. Each generation either adopts what their family did, or goes to the other extreme vowing to do family vastly different than the previous generation.
Either way, your past influences your present. And your present will influence your kids future. How great would it be to pass along a simple, loving, passionate, adventurous marriage to your future generations?
It can be done, and it’s easier than you think.
It begins by slowing down and making a note of all you do in your marriage during a typical week. Seriously, take a moment and write down your typical week of married life. Not things you do for your children, not things you do for your job or career, or the things you do so the house looks the way you’d like – but the things you do with your spouse.
If you’re like most people, this little exercise will be a bit disheartening. You’ll likely see that your marriage is often pushed aside for other things. It is so easy to replace the important with the immediate.
Research is now revealing that when priority is placed on the marriage and not the children – the children, and not surprisingly the marriage, benefit.
On a side note: Care to guess what’s the second highest timeframe for divorce? After 20 plus years of marriage is now statistically second. The reason? Kids are gone and there’s little to hold the couple together.
So regardless where you find yourself currently, if you work on making your marriage a priority, your kids reap the benefits. So do you.
Here’s a few ideas that may help.
1. Steal moments together. If you have young children in the house like I do, it’s often difficult to find times to connect with your spouse. Take advantage of bed time routines. My wife and I have short discussions while the kids are in the bathtub. We sit together on the deck after they go to bed. Look for moments throughout your day, you’ll likely find many opportunities.
2. Make it clear that you love your spouse. It’s been stated that one of the best things you can do for your children is love their mom/dad. This is true, but it goes beyond just saying it. Sit together while watching a movie or TV. Hug. Kiss. Talk. Cuddle. All in front of your kids.
3. Do things as a family, but for your marriage. Go on walks. Ride bikes. Eat outside. Play. Go to the playground and not only push your kids in the swing, push your spouse as well. It’s the little things that you can do together that will create lasting bonds for your marriage, and your family.
4. Go on dates. Take advantage of family members who live close by or contribute to the economy of a local teenager by hiring them to babysit so you and your spouse can go out for an evening. It may take some planning, but it’s worth it. Make a point to have an evening alone with your spouse at least once a month.
5. Give up the TV. We went without the TV for the month of August and it was amazing to see what that did for our marriage. Try it for a week, or limit the shows you watch and use that time to talk, do little projects together, or spend your the time in other pursuits (wink, wink).
6. Declutter. If you read anything Leo writes then you already know the importance of this idea. Clutter distracts, adds chaos, and drains energy from life and your relationships. If you want to give your marriage a boost, declutter the master bedroom. Nothing can kill a romantic moment like embracing your lover, kissing passionately, making your way to the bed together only to trip over the pile of clothes on the floor. Spend some time this weekend decluttering your room. The rest of the house can wait.
2 trackbacks
28 brilliant commentsadd a comment
This is a great article. I grew up watching my parents love each other and I felt so secure. I knew I wanted the same for my marriage and my children. Loving my husband is good for my own relationship but it’s good for my children too.
We hike every weekend as a family but those drives to and from are almost like a date, it’s when we really connect with no distractions and talk. And then of course they’re is the whole day in woods together. Being outdoors together is a great relationship booster.
We don’t do TV either, amazing what you find time to do together without that time suck.
Great post. My wife and I just had our first baby, and we’ve still made a point to do things together, just us. It is important to have that time and make it special, otherwise it become all about the kids. And that’s not why we fell in love.
Corey- great list and great to simply put a spotlight here and notice. I would add one thing to the list. LAUGH TOGETHER. So often the moments with our kids that make us want to tear our hair out or scream are so much more pleasant when we laugh about them- and deep connection is the reward.
I am a firm believer in the idea that your marriage has to work and be rock solid first, before your family can be a success. My husband and I are very fortunate to have a lot of local family who are always clamoring to take our son. We go on dates and overnighters quite a bit and we are convinced it makes us stronger as a family. When we are happy and on the same page, the entire family is happy and cohesive.
Thanks for this post, it solidified a belief I have always held!
My husband (of 11 years) and I were just talking about this. We have three young children and realized that recently the only things we’ve been talking about are kids and work!
Not good – so a date has been scheduled for tomorrow night!
Jamie
This is a great, but very important article. I love my spouse and we do things with the kids a lot and he is always there usually to help me out. We do watch TV together, but we snuggle up after the kids go to bed and do it. We do get together with our friends and family and those are fun times too.
Thanks so much for this article.
Dynasty
~ Drive More Traffic To Your Site
@Pearl- I completely agree with the laugh together idea. Laughter is a great bond for a relationship. It increases the amount of Oxytocin in your brain- which is the brain’s “bonding” chemical, also called the brain’s “love juice.”
@Steadymom- Hope you guys have a great time on the date.
Great post, Corey. I am a firm believer and an adamant proponent on my blog that your marriage MUST come first before everything but God (provided you share that belief)–career, friends, charitable work, hobbies and especially children. I say especially children because I find that this is the one area where we most easily lose our priorities and feel justified doing so. However, a strong family must start with a solid marriage where “mom and dad” and their relationship come first.
I am so grateful that you wrote this post. Donald and I don’t have children yet, and this is the one thing that makes me worry about what it will be like. My parents separated after 30+ years together because suddenly the house was empty, and as you said, “there’s little to hold the couple together.” The suggestions you made are so helpful – even though you’d think it would be common sense, it helps to see them written down and how easy they are to do with enough awareness and determination. Thank you.
Hi Corey,
Perfect post on a perfect moment.
My wife and I are going on a short trip in a couple of days with just the two of us. This is our time together. Time for romance, laughs, long walks and talks.
It’s good for the family-zen!
Klaus Tol
I couldn’t agree more with #2. Show children what love looks like. It one thing to say “I love you.” It’s quite another to show it.
Absolutely, the relationship should be #1, it is after all the childs support structure, and the families support structure. Great list… and thx for this article
Hi Corey, I read through your post and certainly agree with your thoughts on how children can affect our marriages and how important it is to make our marriage the priority. My three sons are all grown now, one starting his own family now. For years I have explained this concept to young couples in pre-marital counseling. When we hit the ‘empty nest’ period, our children will be gone, but our spouse remains. If we haven’t concentrated on our relationship with her/him during the ‘child years,’ it might be too late to begin when they are gone. My sons have each told me that the relationship between their mother and I during their growing-up years has been a foundational base for their relationships.
Blessings! Chuck
@Chuck- A great way to view what you’re saying is “I want my marriage to be more of a how-to manual rather than a how-not-to manual.” Thanks for the comment.
Corey,
My husband and I rarely watch tv these days, but we do seem to fall into a routine of mutual laptopping on the couch: I’ll be writing on mine, he’ll be catching up on work with his. I think this is just as bad as being glued to the tv. Thanks for these reminders!
A few years ago while on a family holiday at a beach resort, my husband and I started going for walk at dawn. We kept up the habit when we got home, and it’s been a wonderful addition to our “courting” activities :)
We still have date nights without the kids, but this early morning time of being together (talking, laughing, fighting or just walking in silence) has really become a major touch-point in our 12-year marriage.
It’s a brilliant post – to be added to my “back to basics” collection.
I couldn’t agree more with this post. I’m re-married, and we have two kids (from previous marriages). We know first hand what can happen when you do not put each other first. So many families are hurting because the parents do not realize how important it is to put their marriage first. The marriage has to be strong for the family to have a good foundation. Great post.
Great article! We have a two year old a four year old, and they can certainly be distracting sometimes! It’s absolutely necessary to take moments alone with your spouse and invest in your marriage. You are right – focusing on your spouse not only benefits your marriage, but it’s so important for the kids.
I’d also add laptop/computers to be off for at least 3 nights a week. It’s the bane of my life trying to compete with it…
Great post, Corey; thanks for writing it.
I’d point out that one of the best things couples can do for each other is listen to each other. Finding half an hour to go for a walk together is great, but finding half an hour to go for a walk and just hear about one another’s thoughts, concerns, feelings, etc.–holding off on responding, correcting, or protesting at least until the other person has spoken–can often go much farther.
Too true, Corey. So many childhoods would be much better if married couples really concentrated on this advice. Here’s a great quote I recently ran across: “A successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day.” –Andre Maurois
We went for a weekend away and felt a little guilty “abandoning” the kids. Thanks for this awesome post reminding me to remember where we started – just a boy and a girl that fell in love.
Corey, I love this! I grew up in a very angry house full of stress, so we’ve tried very hard to be loving, affectionate and relaxed for our children (and as you’ve implied, for ourselves). To add to #5, try taking the TV out of your bedroom altogether. We recently did this and found ourselves finding more time around bedtime to talk about the day, parenting, work, ambitions, and more.
This is a great article. I would like to reference it on my blog if possible. There is much there to digest and put into action.
Read a book together, fiction, non-fiction, comics! My husband and I just spend 10 minutes before we doze off giggling together over Calvin and Hobbes, and it lets the stress go! Great way to end the day – in your honey’s arms giggling!
These are all great ideas. Thank you. Because both my wife and I work from home, plus we homeschooled our daughter, we had to make sure that it didnt all blend together – work, family, marriage, etc… One rule was, no work in the bedroom. It was vital for us to find some boundaries that worked for all of us, and it allowed us to nurture our marriage as well as our family.
I remember the thing that made me feel safest was the love that existed between my mother and father as a child. They are still married today and still respect and love one another so much. I once heard that the only responsibility of parents are to show children a real example of love. I know that my parent’s love was a great factor in who I chose as a partner because that respect and that warmth and tenderness was essential in making me become the person who I am today.
Super thoughts shared here Corey! The hub and I are down to one teenager at home and he now has a job. I love his job…..My son will leave for work and the hub and I dash off to bedroom for some of that wink wink stuff! I will miss my son when he moves out but I won’t feel lost. I have a lot going on with the hub and look forward to chasing each other through the house whenever we want!