Post written by Sherri Kruger. Follow me on Twitter.

Communication is as much an art as it is a science.

To get it right requires practice, patience and time. But even with a healthy dose of these three things it’s unlikely to be perfect, few things ever are.

Simply put, communication is the relaying of information from one person to another.  Sounds simple right? Well not necessarily. Each person comes to the table with their own set of unique life experiences and histories. This is even true for immediate family members who you may think have everything in common.

The art of communication is complex. It includes spoken words but it also extends to tone, volume, expression, eye contact and body language. Think of the last time someone said to you “Oh great!”. If they were smiling and had a cheerful tone then you likely interpreted their response as positive and sincere. Now imagine if the words “Oh great!” were accompanied by a sarcastic tone and a roll of the eyes. Same words totally different feeling.

Communication is certainly a two way street. Failure to communicate effectively can result in unhappiness and misunderstandings. Here are some points to keep in mind when you want to establish good communication in your family.

1. Take a minute. Spend some time thinking before you speak. Taking just a bit of time to sort through your thoughts and to choose your words carefully saves everyone from hurt feelings, misunderstandings and “well that’s not what I meant”.

Consider the following questions: What is the point you’re trying to make? Based on past experiences what comments, words or tones should you avoid when speaking with who is in front of you? Is what you are about to say what you really mean i.e. will you regret saying it 2 nanoseconds after it leaves your lips?

2. Take turns. A one-way conversation isn’t a conversation at all it’s more a speech. If there are several people make sure each person has a chance to talk and express what they want to. If every conversation in your family consists of one person doing all the talking and 2 or 3 others blankly staring back, I’d suspect you’re not getting much value out of these chats.

Everyone should be given a chance to speak no matter how young or old. By not encouraging this it’s likely that certain issues, thoughts or feelings will be bottled up until the person is so angry or upset that they explode and can’t discuss it rationally.

3. Listen. As simple as this sounds it takes a lot of skill to be an effective listener. It goes beyond simply listening to the words of others. To listen effectively I urge you to try the following if you don’t already:

• Give the other person your undivided attention. Don’t let your mind wander to other things or immediately try to look for solutions to the problem. Listen to what is actually being said.
• Don’t automatically tune out if what the other person is saying isn’t important to you. The fact that they are speaking about it means it’s important to them and that alone should be important to you. So be courteous, open minded and accepting. Hear the other person out.
• Since everyone has their own unique histories try taping into that when they are done speaking. Make an effort to understand where they’re coming from. Use it to form engaging questions that will help you understand their feelings, fears or problems. Show them you’ve heard what they had to say and that you take it seriously.

4. Get started. So what do you do if your family doesn’t communicate at all right now, let alone poorly? Take initiative, grab the reins and make it happen. If you’re waiting for you daughter, son, mother, father, siblings, or partner to come to you to talk about what is on their mind you could be waiting indefinitely. Here’s how you start:

• Choose a time that all members of your family will be home and available for a family meeting. If you have family dinners this could be a great place for your first meeting.
• Come prepared with a list of things you would like to talk about. Maybe you want to get their thoughts on having regular family meetings, as well as frequency, duration, and topics to be discussed. Maybe you want to start by telling each one why you’re grateful for them. It’s totally up to you. There is no right way to do this.
• Let other’s voice their opinions and allow them all a chance to be heard without interruption. Even if you don’t particularly agree with ideas or suggestions as they come up acknowledge them if they are indeed valid and be open to taking a different approach to it.
• Before you all go your separate ways make a note of when the next discussion will be. Keeping them frequent enough to prevent issues from building up but not so frequent that they become tedious and boring.

Learning to communicate takes time and what works well for one family may not work well for another. I may feel weird or silly at first but take your time, be patient and try out different things. That’s the beauty of family, everyone has different ideas and different approaches to get to the desired result. If you approach issues from a place of love and as a team your family will be stronger for it.