5 Parents Share Their Thoughts On How To Deal With Tantrums

Post written by Sherri Kruger. Follow me on Twitter.

We’ve all been exposed to a tantrum at one time or another. Even if you don’t have children yourself you’ve likely heard a child have a complete melt down in the middle of a mall, a playground or a park.

It’s not pretty.

If you’re the parent of that child it can be embarrassing, frustrating and seemingly hopeless when you’re in the thick of it.

If your child is having tantrums does it:

mean you’re a bad parent? No.
mean you’re being too hard on your child? Likely not.
mean you’re being too lenient with your child? Likely not.
mean your child is behaving like most normal toddlers do? Yup!

As a parent if you’re wondering what you’re doing wrong or how to make them stop, rest assured you are not alone.

Tantrums, in toddler years, are a way for young ones to demonstrate their frustration, anger and disapproval of a particular situation. From what I’ve read and observed with my own child, toddlers lack the vocabulary to express their feelings and so act out in socially inappropriate ways such as screaming, dramatically falling to the ground, crying, kicking, hitting or biting.

Tantrums usually occur when you’re rightfully trying to protect your child from harms way. The toddlers new found mobility and natural curiosity tends to lead them towards things that they shouldn’t be getting into. Whether it be a knife drawer, a crafting cupboard which houses scissors, or a chair pushed up to a counter top. None of these things are safe. The tantrum usually starts with the first “no”. A part of the inquisitive toddler’s sense of control is taken away and it’s frustrating for them.

So what’s a parent to do?

I posed the following question to 5 parents:

What advice do you have for parents currently struggling with temper tantrums, be it at home or in a crowded mall?

Here are the highlights from each of their incredibly thoughtful responses.

Lisa – Writes at The Well Grounded Life and is a Mom of 2.

Treat kids as individuals. Lisa’s children are very young and have very different personalities. Discipline, praise and parenting in general does not come pre-packaged. What is effective at motivating one child may not work for another.

“I think it is important to talk about a child’s natural temperment because that makes such a difference in the different ways you may choose to handle things.”

Address core issues. Try and understand why your child may be gearing up to have a tantrum in the first place. Are they tired, bored, hungry, thirsty, over stimulated, or do they not have an outlet for all their pent up energy? If it’s something you can tweak on your own do it before your child has a full on melt down.

“For example, if the issue is overstimulated, I would physically remove him from where we are to a quieter, calmer place and then begin to deal with the tantrum.”

Give them an opportunity to react appropriately. Lisa shared her count to 3 rule which, if by 3 the inappropriate behavior hasn’t stopped her child gets 2 minutes in their room to calm down.

“What I like about this approach is that it gives him the opportunity to work past the reactionary stage and begin to learn how to take responsibility for his actions and change the course. It also helps me stay calm because I have a clear plan of action and I don’t find myself engaging in a heated situation– in fact, I am disengaging at that point.”

Tantrum management occurs when they are NOT happening. This is my favorite thought from Lisa. I have just recently started focusing on this as well and it really does work. Provide your child with a lot of positive reinforcement, attention and interactions throughout the day. In this case a little goes a long way. Lisa has found with her oldest, that setting expectations has helped a lot as well.

“We’ve got into a rhythm of “the next three” things of the day. For example when we are done with breakfast I’ll say something like….”OK now we can go (hold up 1 finger) outside and play in the leaves, then (hold up 2 fingers) we’ll come in for a snack, and then (hold up 3 fingers) we’ll bring our laundry down to the washing machine” He really catches on and repeats it to me and loves to tell me what is next in the line up as we go.”

Lisis – Writes at Quest For Balance and is a Mom of 1.

Prevent tantrums from happening in the first place. Lisis points out that you should pick your battles and I fully believe this. There are some things our kids do that may be inconvenient, delay you a bit or make a bit of a mess but if it really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things and they won’t hurt themselves in doing it … let them.

“If you are going to enforce every single rule, every single second, you’ll be playing the role of Warden all the time. This won’t be enjoyable for you or the kids. Let them win the little battles, so they feel they aren’t totally oppressed.”

Stand your ground. “Say what you mean and mean what you say. Nothing empowers a kid more than idle threats from the parents.”

Understand their currency. In order to get your point across and to get your child to understand the concept of consequences work with the things they value. It will mean nothing to your child if you say no TV today, if they don’t usually watch TV anyway. However, take away a favorite toy or time on the computer and they’ll likely sit up and take notice.

“Find what that is (the currency) and treat it like a privilege they have to earn by keeping up their end of the bargain.”

Teach by example. This is my favorite thought from Lisis and is one I find I need to remind myself of from time to time. When my son is having a tantrum I find it only gets worse if I raise my voice or become short with him. I find the tantrum doesn’t last nearly as long if I treat him kindly.

“The main thing is there is no yelling or spanking… it is all calm and rational because negative emotions feed into negative emotions and escalate the problem. Treat your kids with the respect you want them to show you. Teach by example.”

Jay – Writes at Porsidan and is a Dad of 1.

Consistency. Jay has a no non-sense approach to dealing with tantrums. What worked best for him was to point out inappropriate behavior and give a warning. One warning. If the behavior didn’t stop his child was given a time-out.

“And then we always, always, ALWAYS followed through. We left restaurants and grocery stores and movie theaters early. We sent her to bed early. We made her sit in time out during cartoon time. No matter where or when, we followed through. If we were out, then it was straight home and straight to time-out. We only had to do it a few times before she got the picture, and figured out that we meant business. It was the consistency that paid off. “

Say what you mean and mean what you say. I’m repeating this again as I think it’s really important and it’s one of the common thoughts among our five experts. If you expect your children to take you seriously or believe that you mean what you say, you have to follow through on what you say EVERY time. Idle threats get you nowhere.

“When you say you’re gonna do something, you have to do it. The first time, every time. That way, the kid knows the rules, and knows that there are consequences for breaking the rules. The consistency leads to trust.”

Ian – Writes at Quantum Learning and is a Dad of 3.

Calm yourself first. As I said in the introduction tantrums happen because your child is unable to communicate verbally and they can find it incredibly frustrating. When your kids act out it’s natural to feel angry or frustrated yourself. Ian suggests asking yourself a few questions before you respond to your child, to gain a better understanding of what they are feeling or going through.

“Remind yourself that your child is a little person having trouble expressing themselves right now. Try to ignore the obvious trigger (probably you said ‘no’ to something they wanted) and look deeper. Ask yourself what are they feeling? Is it anger, frustration or fear? What are they not getting right now? Is it attention, making their own decisions, safety?”

Calm your child second. If the tantrum is in full swing it’s very difficult to talk with your child or even be heard. Ian suggests removing the child from the place that triggered the melt down and taking them to a place where you can be alone. Allow your child to calm down before you try talking with them. “Remind yourself that your child is a little person having trouble expressing themselves right now.”

“Words are usually a waste of time until they are calm enough to listen to you. Once things have calmed a bit, give your full attention and really listen to what they were trying to tell you. Keep your translation skills handy as they may not be able to find the words easily. You don’t have to agree or give in to anything – but do make sure they know you are doing your best to understand them.”

Leo – Writes at mnmlist and is a Dad of 6.

Address core issues. Similar to what Lisa mentioned, Leo points out that a tantrum is the result of your child’s needs not being met. Ask yourself if there is something you can do to change the environment: Are they bored or tired, do they need attention etc?

“Sometimes shopping trips are too long for kids. Break them into shorter ones, or go when your spouse or family member can watch the kids.”

Calm yourself. It’s only natural to feel upset, angry or frustrated when your child is throwing a tantrum, be it in the privacy of your own home or on display at the local grocery store. Leo has this advice to offer:

“Take a deep breath if you feel yourself getting angry and frustrated. Sometimes the parent needs a timeout more than the child. Remember that the child’s needs are more important than the shopping trip or what other people might think.”

Patience. This one requires practice. What helps me to be more patient with my kids when they are acting inappropriately, is to think to myself that they are growing, learning, and exploring and the tantrums are all a part of that process. Nothing lasts forever and the frequency of tantrums will certainly go down, but we must have patience with our kids in the mean time.

“Patiently teach your child to express her feelings verbally, so the tantrums are less necessary over time.”

My thoughts

The top three techniques that are working really well for me right now:

Show your kids you love them. When they’re frustrated and start crying or whining I give my kids a hug and tell them it’s okay. I tell them that I understand it’s frustrating but to try again. It may sound like a platitude but it really does work.

Pick your battles. If it doesn’t really matter, and most things don’t, then don’t make a big deal out of it. Let them play with the pots and pans, plastic food storage containers, or measuring cups. Allow them a bit of freedom and let them help. They are complex little people who really just want to be like you!

Always or never. There really is no in between with young toddlers. They don’t quite understand that it’s okay to touch the oven door sometimes but not others. If you let them touch the oven door when the oven is off then they will likely throw a fit when you tell them “no” for touching it when it’s on and hot. Inconsistencies don’t sit well with toddlers so you may want to apply” always or never” as much as you can.

I want to sincerely thank Lisa, Lisis, Jay, Ian and Leo for sharing their thoughts and advice on coping with tantrums. Thank you all!

Now I turn the question over to all of you, our lovely readers: