Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Lisis Blackston of Quest For Balance. Follow her on twitter.
One of the questions I get asked often from fellow parents is, “How can I create a peaceful household?”
These days our lives have gotten over-scheduled, and insanely stressful. Parents are exhausted, and running out of patience. Kids are rambunctious, and have learned to manipulate their frazzled parents. Unfortunately, more often than not, family chaos and yelling are the norm, rather than the exception.
This breaks my heart.
The reason it saddens me is because it is completely avoidable. Most experts would tell you the way to change the situation is to change the schedule … remove unnecessary activities, plan to have more time in the morning or at homework time so you aren’t racing the clock, quite simply: do less.
In part, I have to agree with this. Lightening your list of to-dos will free up some time and mental energy to deal with the chaos in your home. However, it isn’t actually necessary, and certainly isn’t enough. I know several multi-child families, who are involved in lots of activities, and yet they live in peaceful households.
So, what is the secret?
Your home can be calm and peaceful, regardless of what your schedule is like, if you spend a little time addressing two issues:
1. How your kids behave
This is the part where you have to dig deep and be honest with yourself. Have you established clear expectations for your kids? Do they know which rules are non-negotiable, and what the consequences are for breaking those rules? Are they 100% certain you WILL follow through if they break the rules?
Kids are masters at testing the limits of every single box you put them in. If you say bedtime is at 8:00, they will fight to the death to stay out of the bed until past that time. If you say they need to eat their vegetables, they’ll get you on a technicality, “You didn’t say I had to eat ALL of my vegetables!” The minute you establish a rule, they start working on finding the loopholes. That’s just life.
It’s important that you pick your battles, unless you want to spend every waking moment enforcing rules. Sometimes, they need to feel like they get to win a battle or two, even though you know you are going to win the war. Maybe you let them slide on the broccoli (because they made a valid point about your rule), but enforce the bedtime because you NEED those evening hours to relax, or write, or snuggle with your partner.
Decide ahead of time what is mission-critical for you, make sure the kids know it, and follow through on enforcing it… always. You absolutely have to “Say what you mean, and mean what you say.”
2. How the parents (you) behave
This often overlooked component is even more important than the first. Parents (you) set the tone for every interaction with kids. If you are stressed, anxious or otherwise out of patience, any little infraction by your child will turn into a HUGE issue. Your frustration adds fuel to a potentially flammable situation. If you are calm, patient and understanding, then even some bratty behaviors and crankiness can be handled creatively, and in a way that everyone can learn from.
The trick here is to stop projecting onto your kids stuff that has nothing to do with them. Maybe you still have unresolved issues from a previous relationship, or you are living an emotional roller coaster in your current one. Maybe you get frustrated when you deal with your parents, your boss, or any number of people. Perhaps you are stressed about not being able to pay the bills. All of these are valid issues for you to deal with, but your kids shouldn’t have to.
The key to a serene household is YOU. You get to set the rules, the expectations, the consequences, the tone, and the example for how the family should treat each other.
Are you doing your part to create a peaceful home?
Read more from Lisis at her blog, Quest For Balance, or subscribe to her feed.
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I was reading a book recently in which a reference is made to a poem entitled “Father Forgets”…
a great poem which gave me a fresh perspective of how to handle our kids.
A very BIG problem when dealing to kids is that parents expect their 5 year olds to act like adults.
“Father Forgets” is one of those poems that makes you hold back… and think again.
Christopher.
Hey, Christopher! Thanks for mentioning that poem. I’ve never head of it and it sounds like a wonderful reminder that we could all use. You’re absolutely right that sometimes the expectations we have for our little ones are in no way realistic or fair… we essentially set them up to disappoint us. If we do this regularly enough, they eventually come to feel that they’ll never get it right… they’ll never be good enough or make us proud. They may give up trying altogether.
I really appreciate your contribution to this conversation. I’m looking forward to learning much from other parents and their approaches to reducing the chaos and anxiety in their families. :)
Including kids in the things I like to do best to relax has worked wonderfully to make, bake and eat my cake. Loving music, we talk about what we are listening to, and I invite them to sing with me when I am playing. This translates into singing in the car, singing over the dishes, singing on a walk. I love to read so we have read aloud every night. As teenagers on vacation, we can spend whole mornings in local bookstores when it rains and I have to drag them away.
peace is what you make, not just what you find.
Lisis, I really enjoyed your two points above. The second especially hit home…it’s what I am focusing on strengthening right now. Somehow this pretty calm woman turned into a raving mama! THANKFULLY, moments still come out when I can handle things in the win-win way that I enjoy…the proof is on my children’s face and coming out from their heart. They are so innocent and that’s something that I remind myself when I am coming on too strong.
Hey, Kip! That sounds like a loving and fun approach to this issue, in which everyone wins! You’re doing the things you love and they end up with an appreciation for music, reading, and family bonding. I absolutely believe that we have to create peace… in ourselves, our homes, our communities and beyond. It isn’t a thing we’ll just stumble into one day, or find a magic pill for. It takes patient, consistent, loving intent. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job in your neck of the woods! ;)
Hey, Suzanne! That second point really is key. Sometimes we forget that these little ones aren’t quite ready for all the “stuff” we deal with. We lash out at them, or lose patience with them, based entirely on what someone else has done… and that look in their eyes that says, “I don’t understand why you are yelling,” is almost too much to bear.
It is well worth it to remember how we should behave so that they can be their best selves, too. :)
Man, so many times I lose focus and forget that every move I make is being watched by the kids. As parents we have to constantly set the example in order to set the bar for the kids. Then when we set limits for the kids they have a model of what to expect.
You are absolutely right, Craig… our little ones watch and listen to everything, even when we think they aren’t paying attention. They learn a zillion times more from the examples we model for them than from the things we say they should do. The best way to get your kids to eat healthy, exercise, read, help in the community, or anything else is to do it ourselves. It follows that the best way to get them to behave calmly and respectfully is to behave that way ourselves.
When we respond with anger, frustration or violence (even if it is towards someone else) they learn that as an appropriate way to resolve issues. In some ways they are mirrors of our own best and worst behaviors. If we don’t like what we see, we should change something in ourselves before we expect them to change.
Well said, Lisis. The book scream-free parenting (best book ever) talks about the same things- how we as parents are generally the ones throwing the tantrums essentially wanting the child to comply so we can calm down. It is totally true about how our moods affect their behavior. It also helps if the stressed mother doesn’t guilt herself to death about how to parent her kids……I think you know who I mean ;)
http://victorlifelist.com/2009/12/26/father-forgets/
Here’s a link to the poem.
@ Charity: Well said, my dear! And I’m so glad you mentioned the title of the book. I knew you had mentioned one in particular that you thought was great, but I couldn’t remember the name. I’m sure that will be a great resource for anyone needing the help.
And it’s absolutely true that you need not suffer unnecessary guilt. It seems everyone else has an opinion about how we should raise our kids, and we’ll never please them all. So, just know what you value, what you hope to achieve, and what matters most to you, and stick to it. If someone else doesn’t like it, that’s their problem. ;)
@ Liz: Thanks for adding the link here. I just read that poem and it is truly beautiful. I’ve totally felt that “shame” after overreacting to something, or losing my patience over little things. It’s so important to keep in mind they are kids… and they mean the world to us.
Great article, thank you! I work a lot with what is going on for me and try to recognize when I have a “shorter-fuse” so that I can take steps to manage my own state before taking it out on my children – although it is often my children who reflect that something is going on with me before I am fully aware of it!
I’m currently reading, The Art of Possibility: http://www.benjaminzander.com/book/ – and it has some wonderful ideas about how we ‘grade’ others and ourselves and set ourselves up for failure. I’ve started giving my children an “A” at the start of every day and through that looking for the good that they are doing instead of starting the day with a “D” or worse and going downhill from there.
It is a useful change in my thoughts which has lead to a dramatic change in the way that I perceive my children, before always trying to push my buttons etc and now… they are just being kids – it rarely has anything to do with me.
Lastly, totally essential to be clear on negotiable and non-negotiable aspects of parenting and consistently communicate these to our children. Just that in itself has brought awesome results to my home.
Thank you for a great post, I’ll check out your blog.
I enjoyed this post and agree! I have 5 kids and I am always working towards that dream of having a peaceful home…I have changed over the years–originally, although I always loved them, I tried to mold the kids to fit me more. Now, I truly see them as individuals who I enjoy being around. I choose my battles–and I also sound the alarm when I am just tired.
@ Marilyn: I love your technique about starting your day giving them a metaphorical A instead of a D. Too many times we wake up a bit cranky or under the weather and, before anything has happened, already assume it’s going to be tough day, the kids will likely behave terribly, and nothing’s going to work out right. Then we hear a peep out of the kid and think, “Oh, no… here we go, it’s starting already.” When we do this, we’ve primed ourselves for sheer misery. We are choosing to set an awful tone for the day.
Conversely, we can frame our minds first thing in the morning with positive thoughts, reminding ourselves they are kids, reminding ourselves to be patient and laugh things off, and reminding ourselves that a child’s laughter can make us feel ten years younger. If we make it one of our daily goals to get our kids to laugh, smile, and giggle as much as possible, everyone in the household will be happier for it.
@ Heather: I am always completely in awe of anyone who has more than three kids. I mean, ANY number of kids can be challenging, but five, six, and more seems like an awful lot of variables to deal with. Having said that, I do know that sometimes the older ones can be a great help with the younger ones. So maybe it all balances out somehow.
But regardless of how many kids we have, as parents we will have days, or moments, when we are at our wit’s end about something. Knowing how to sound the alarm is a great way to deal with those moments. I’ve gotten better at recognizing when I am not in the right frame of mind for having my child test his limits, and I let him know. Most of the time things are easy going and fun and wonderful, but if I say, “Right now, today, I can NOT handle you whining, complaining, or giving me a hard time,” he knows it’s best to just let me be. And the same goes for him, sometimes he is just not in the mood to play nice, so it’s best if he plays in his room, or on another floor, or something, because we both know we will clash.
Simply being aware of our own triggers, and theirs, is a huge step towards progress, I think. Thanks for your comment! :)
One of the best things we can do as parents is to carve out special time to spend with each one of our children, where the focus is only on spending time and having fun. Once you have the rules and expectations in place, the most important thing is making deposits into the relational bank account with your children. It makes enforcing rules a lot easier once you have the relational foundation in place: but it needs to be nurtured on an ongoing basis.
Hey, Steve! You bring up a very valid point, and that is: it can’t be all rules and consequences, unless you want home life to start feeling like a prison, and your life to resemble that of a Warden’s.
When we have more fun, quiet, playful, dedicated time we have with our kids, it becomes less necessary to create and enforce rules. After all, kids often misbehave as a desperate cry for attention. If they get enough love and dedicated, enjoyable time, they don’t feel the need to TAKE our attention the hard way.
Consistent nurturing over time will yield an amazing return on your investment. :)
Lisis,
I love your points. It is so true about being consistent and following through. I also like to give my kids choices…it creates less arguing and puts decision making in their hands. Some examples would be ” Do you want to wear your gloves or put them in your coat pocket?”, or ” Do you want an orange with your lunch or an apple?” The biggest thing is to make sure both of the options are good :)
I also believe that we set the tone for the house. If we are onorganized and stressed, then our whole family will be affected.
Thanks for the great blog.
Kids prove the Law of Entropy every moment of every day. I think its important to remember that life is always going to trend towards chaos and find peace in that chaos. Its those times when I try to order every thing and force peace that I find the least amount of peace. For me, its acceptance of the chaos of children that allows me to relax and enjoy (most of the time).
@ Amy: Ooooh… yeah, that’s a great point. I do that too… the “make them think they get a vote” type questions. “Should we leave the playground in 5 minutes or 10?” Because they are choosing, they feel like part of the process and don’t resist when the time comes.
I usually let my son choose what he’s having for most meals because I know that everything in the house is healthy (the only caveat is he can’t have noodles more than once a day!). When they feel included in the decision-making (even if it is only an illusion) they are much more willing to go along with what we are asking them to do.
It just takes a little patience and creativity to get all the little ones in a basically cooperative mood, I think. Thanks for the reminder! :)
@ Harmony: This is so true, and it gets back to what Christopher mentioned above… we have to remember that they are KIDS. Their version of making the bed and cleaning up the room isn’t going to look like our version. We could stress out about it and stay on top of them until they comply to perfection, or we can accept that their best effort is good enough. Some of the chaos that happens in families, is happy, fun, rough-housing, craziness that doesn’t necessarily need to be curtailed. We just need to learn to loosen up and find our own happiness within that world.
One of my big things was that I used to be SUPER organized (OK, maybe a little OCD). Then my son came along and it got a bit more challenging to keep everything “perfect”, but I did my best. Then one day he told me he wanted to keep his playroom “fun” (what I called “messy”) and I realized that, just as I thrived in neatly organized rooms, his creative process worked better when all of his “tools” were out where he could see them. I needed to learn to find my peace within a world that allowed for his creative expression.
Thanks for that awesome contribution to this conversation!!
Kids are definitely something that could potentially disrupt peacefulness, but they can also give you peace as well.
Very true, Greg… I don’t know if I ever knew real peace until my son came along. :)
I totally agree that a peaceful, and well-run, household begins with the example and tone that the parents set. Of course, this can be tough with the busyness and stress of everyday life. However, even though it’s not easy, it is worth it.
Hey, Dustin! Totally agreed… it has gotten especially tough to keep a calm and patient demeanor with our busy and chaotic lifestyles, which is one of the reasons kids seem to be even more chaotic than usual. But I think it’s worth it for everyone involved for us to make a great effort to take it all down a notch. Like you said, not easy, but worth it! :)
Consistency is KEY to creating a peaceful home. Parents think that it’ll be easier ‘this time’ if they just cave in to their kids but it really causes more problems in the long wrong. If children feel like you are not a strong foundation, they will keep pushing your buttons.
Thank you so much for this timely reminder. A BIG thank you to Christopher for mentioning the Father Forgets letter….reading that was a lightbulb moment for me and inspired me to write my latest post on my blog Sunny Mummy.
I have mentioned my fave blog, Zen family habits and would be honoured if you would all stop by?
..
http://sunnymummyaus.blogspot.com/2010/01/father-forgets-and-mummy-does-too.html
@ Hayden: That’s exactly right… sometimes we get lazy, or try to “win them over” one time by giving in when we know we shouldn’t. I guess we think it’s like, “I’ll scratch your back now, you cooperate with me later.” But it doesn’t work that way with kids, since they live for each moment and conveniently forget those sorts of arrangements. Every moment is about how they can get what they want… it’s the childhood singularity, really… the black hole of self-driven intentions that sucks all our energy! ;)
@ Stacey: You are welcome, and I’m so glad you found that poem Christopher mentioned, because it is amazing (as is Christopher!). I’m going to check out your post now. Thanks for your comment!
Amen! I couldn’t have said these things better myself. I was truly clueless as a young parent. My first session in therapy I was informed that my children were causing my problems. I was causing my problems. Thanks God I went, I learned and I put into practice. Thanks for a well needed post.
Thanks, Tess! I don’t know if you’ve ever watched to show Super Nanny… but I used to watch it all the time. One thing I noticed was that week after week, family after family, no matter how “terrible” the kids were, her solution was always to train the parents! When the parents knew how to behave (and handle issues) the kids fell right in line… every time. Hmm…. ;)