Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Lindsey Mead Russel of A Design So Vast.
Last week, an email popped up in my inbox outlining all of the after-school activities available at my children’s private school. As I read about karate and hip hop and book club and chess, a familiar anxiety gnawed at me. Once again, I wondered if, in my rabid opposition to over-scheduling I have over-corrected and am depriving my children .
My daughter is allowed one after-school activity a week. My son has only just begun to show interest, but I will offer him the same choice in a year or so. I remember when Grace was a baby I fretted to the pediatrician that while my friends were at Mommy and Me music, gymnastics, etc, I mostly took my baby to the dry cleaner and the grocery store. He reassured me, “Don’t worry, she just wants to be with you.” Then he said, “you think this is hard now? Wait until she starts asking for activities.” And he was right. Grace is almost seven, and she regularly asks to participate in more after-school activities than I am prepared to okay. My response, repeated so often if feels like a chant or a hopeful prayer, is that “Different families make different choices.”
My active limiting of my children’s “programming” goes hand in hand with a general philosophy that refuses to build them up into exceptional geniuses. I wonder, again, if this has negative repercussions. Will they doubt that I love them? If adulatory motherhood is now the norm, will I seem cold and not proud in comparison? This could not be further from the truth. I am proud of them every day, with an intensity that continues to amaze me after almost seven years; I am proud watching my son struggle to stay afloat in the swimming pool and watching my daughter painstakingly sound out words in a Berenstain Bears book as she resolutely, slowly, learns to read. I don’t think I would describe either of my children exceptional on any dimension, and that does not make me any less proud. In fact it might make me more so. I aspire to raise happy, well-adjusted children who know how to listen to themselves, something I am admittedly weak at myself (it occurs to me that perhaps much of the intensity behind my belief is aspiring to give them something I wish I had more of). I want them to be able to entertain, make choices for, and trust themselves.
But I do feel guilty when I hear other parents talk about their child’s early reading, particularly impressive physical coordination, or early language acquisition. I simply don’t speak of Whit and Grace in those terms. Maybe I should? Am I dooming them to a life of mediocrity by refusing to extol virtues that I don’t really see? Don’t get me wrong: I love my children dearly, and because of that I think they are both downright terrific. I believe, however, that to focus on their exceptional promise and prowess at X or Y is to saddle them with both expectations and limits. I also view a lot of this exceptional-izing as competitive and I simply refuse to parent that way, because it undermines our tremendously strong common purpose: to support our children as best we know how.
But I do find myself wondering whether both my stubborn refusal to let my children fill their free hours with “enriching” activities and my disinclination to laud them as little prodigies is in some way harmful. I fear that I am letting them down by not being more flowery in my praise of them, and yet I keep bumping into my fundamental instincts that point in another direction. Even in an area where I feel relatively confident about my biases, doubt creeps in, mingling with my intuition; perhaps this combination of fear and sureness is the definition of motherhood. Is it driven by anything external, or is it just my own lack of confidence speaking? Is it inescapable, this essential uncertainty? I think it is this insecurity that underlies the comparisons and the effusive, designed-for-public-consumption praise. So for now I’ll keep following the intuition that howls loudly in one ear while trying to answer the doubts that whisper in the other.
You can read more from Lindsey at her blog, A Design So Vast.
I have to chuckle at the way you quote the way other parents talk. As a teacher, I wish some of my students had more time to just be. To relax, enjoy the moments, have parents at home to hug them, bake cookies and breathe in the air. I don’t see a big difference in students who are doing 50 things vs. those who are doing 1. Your kids will have plenty of time to do activities in high school and can choose their own in college. You won’t get this time back with them, so just remember that someday the parents whose kids are signed up for every activity under the sun will be grieving the time they didn’t spend with their kids now that they are grown and gone……and you…..you will be cherishing your memories, remembering these days and still breathing in all the goodness of these days. Don’t allow other parents to make you feel insecure…..your pediatrician is right….in reality…..the best thing kids can have are two parents who love them and give them the security they need to grow up to be secure adults. Activities are fleeting…..strong relationships with family should not be.
I really appreciated your honesty in this post. It was touching. Trying to understand your children’s perspective, and how much activity they can handle, as well as what the family can handle and balance it all is not easy. Your love for them is the most important. That is what they will take with them. Trying to put myself in your shoes faced with the same situation I would try having a talk with my child in a quiet place where you do lots of listening to why they want to participate in all the activities they are interested in so they feel heard and loved, even if no is your answer. Following your gut, although sometimes so hard, is admirable and good for you for not competing with others. Instead of competing I think spreading the love is the way to go :-)
I’m glad you’ve got the courage to “under-schedule” – too much scheduling makes for pushing children right on into the rat-race of competitiveness and dependency on following the crowd. It is crucial that children know it is more important to know themselves and be who they wish to be rather than fitting in and worrying about what everyone else is doing or thinks they should be doing!
More power to you! :-)
I’m a single mom of a wonderful and slightly zany 8 year old girl. I am pretty adamant about having her participate in only one extra-curricular activity and I decided this intuitively. As a Stress-Management Coach, I feel very strongly about not over-scheduling one’s life…otherwise the focus is on doing and not on living. And yes, my daughter does come to me from time to time asking to join another activity, and I tell her, “sure that’s fine…and that means we have to stop your other activity…one at a time, sweetheart.” So then she makes the decision herself (she sticks with her original activity every time) and ultimately she’s happy to have her passion AND free time to spending playing and hanging out with friends and family. Keep listening to your intuition.
Thank you for posting this! I’m right there. I recently dropped my son from Boy Scouts for a few reasons, but the big one was just too many days of the week were supposed to be dedicated to those activities and that left little time for my son to be a kid. Instead now, we play Star Wars around the house or play with our dogs. I’m glad it’s not just me!
I love this post! It resonates with my style of parenting as well, and like you, tend to question myself often for our minimalist approach to “enriching” activities as my little one is only 18 months old! I have to always remind myself that less is more, and that the most important thing is that they know they are loved and accepted for who they are.
with three kids all doing one activity each – that is still three afternoons we are all out of the house! (although in reality I have finally managed to have all activitys scheduled on the same hellish afternoon – at least for now :) ) One activity each is plenty. as they get older they get more homework and relish the time to just be, rather than do.
our 5yo daughter came home from school (her first year) with a questionaire for us to complete – to help the teacher get to know her students. One of the questions was: ‘My child is good at…’ we were stumped. I suggested writing ‘playing’, and my husband said we couldn’t write that as the teacher would think we were being sarcastic. so finally i wrote- ‘ too young to determine’ – how can a 5 yo really be ‘good’ at anything? – I can only imagine what some of the other parents wrote!
I whole heartedly agree with your post. We have 7 children and that pretty much necessitated only one activity each. Our violinist played 12 years, has not touched his violin in years, too busy being an artist!
Our six year old has not really wanted to “do” anything. I asked her if she wanted to do a dance class (to help my guilt) she said “how about when I am 60 and you are 100″. I guess that sums it up for her.
This gets harder and harder as the children get older and older. They want to socialize by being in activities with their friends. The problem comes when activities interfere with school work as a child ages. Or, when one parent thinks the other has the child too over-scheduled – and I have heard couples where one complains about this but never says it to the other.
Children need to be children.
Coming from the once “over-scheduled” to now under-scheduled, I can totally relate to this post. We used to be at dance at least 14 hours per week, plus, cadets for the oldest, plus the couple hours for my own activities. We were all tired, grumpy, downright miserable!
Two years ago, we said – ENOUGH! Each is now in at the most two things (depending on the hours required) and we are much happier with the down time that we are now able to have.
Saying that, I still feel tremendous guilt when talking to other parents, especially those in the activities that we used to be in. I worry that the kids are now “behind” because they are not in EVERYTHING!
Then I remember how it was before. I see how we now have time for bedtime stories and playing and hanging out. Homework is done without fights, and kids (and me) are able to get up in the morning because we aren’t exhausted!
I won’t go back – it’s too important for them to be just kids and too important for me to be a sane mom again.
Thanks for helping me not feel alone in my decision that sometimes leaves me feeling guilty!
I approach my parenting with mostly middle of the road plans. In relation to activities I believe the middle of the road is letting it be CHILD LED and letting that ease your mind. In my opinion the problems arise when parents over OR under schedule a child – my personal approach always involves talking to my children and including them in the decisions even at 4 or 5yo. So in our family there is no pre-determined limiting of activities – it evolves over time depending on interests, financial ability and balancing our time. So currently my 2 girls are in the first 2 full time years of primary school (called Prep and Year 1 here in my part of Australia) – they are only 19 mo apart so their activites have evolved together and they currently do art classes 1 day after school and gymnastics for 1 1/2 hrs on Saturdays. We used to do swim classes and are trying to add them back in midweek (we stopped because both girls were complaining constantly so I offered a break to rejuvenate their interest, but still it is critical in Australia to become a confident swimmer so this activity is Mom-driven).
Yesterday my eldest asked to start Drama classes with her friend on Mondays and I said no simply because we are spending a small fortune as it is and the interest is mostly in being with her friend so we will address that with more frequent play dates (she was not really sure what they do at Drama anyway). Gymnastics was only started after dropping dance classes that she was no longer enjoying because even at 6yo the teachers started getting intense and critical – insert eye roll here as I don’t understand the intensity at such a young level. so for our family 2-3 activities a week seems to be comfortable, but for the right activity I woudl allow them to add more. As their school work increases over the years i know they will have to narrow down their choices to allow for more time for academics, but while they are still young I consider this their time for exploration and when I cannot meet their needs it is appropriate to look outside the home for instruction. I tell them all the time that they can be whatever they want, follow their interests etc and I am happy to support them as long as they are happy. There is no expectation that they will become champion gymnasts etc or thoughts of the future – enjoy these things in the moment and let them add their growth.
Yeah, I’m a big meanie, too. ONE extracurricular and that is it. There’s no way we can manage more than that, and I don’t want to. She already has 20 minutes of homework minimum per night, and she’s in 2nd grade. I refuse to over-schedule her.
I get pressure, too. My neighbor has her girls (6 and 5) in ice skating, Spanish, violin, and swimming. Well, she also has a nanny who brings them to those activities! Too much! But of course, the neighbors brag to the girls about all of these activities, and then I feel rotten when I say “no.” But I do say no.
Things get really out of hand with the competitive stuff. It makes me nuts.
We’re anticipating handling extracurricular activities the same way that you are in your family, in moderation. They’re meant to enrich, not to overstress and leave the kids unable to entertain themselves. To simply be. That’s a powerful thing to learn, and to value. Even now, if we have an extra busy week, if we’re on the go every single day, by the end of the week the kids are just done, and they forget how to be at home and simply play with their toys or each other. Crazy how early this starts.
Very well put Lindsey.
I loved this post, I love seeing you here but I am most thrilled at all the comments in support of your position. How delightful you are not alone! Regarding the actual subject, I can offer nothing since I don’t have children. But I know that I don’t like being over-scheduled myself, so I’m guessing it’s a good policy for kids too.
This subject, for me, was hardest to deal with when my kids were very young. I felt like there was peer pressure (mine and theirs!) to try, sign-up, join, compete, and experience everything that could be done. Friends were always taking their kids somewhere or my girl’s playmates were talking about all their activities. *I* simply couldn’t handle it all and couldn’t imagine my kids dealing with it.
To get a good night’s sleep, I wanted my kids home at a decent hour and sitting in the kitchen with me for dinner – not taking it in the car to-go. Early on I had to make a rule that they could sign up for *one* thing that they wanted to participate in, besides their religion classes outside of public school – and that’s it.
Recently, with my 14 y.o., and all the new things available at high school, I’ve let her decide for herself how much she can juggle. along with the stipulation that her grades don’t suffer from the addition of any extra-curricular activities. Being a parent has been the most demanding job I’ve ever had – just the stress of thinking of all these things is nerve-wracking at times!
Lindsey makes many excellent points here.
As parents, my husband and I refuse to be uber-competitors and uber-schedulers with our children. We’ve decided that with 4 young children close in age (they are all within 5 years of each other), each can pick one sport or musical instrument they can learn. Period. That is as much as we can do for them and above and beyond, they are on their own.
That may change in time, but for now, it is common sense.
Once, we read a Christmas card where the parents praised their children for reading dictionaries and encyclopedias. We read it together, laughing and eye-rolling. Really, where does it end? I’m grateful my husband is on the same parenting page as me. And the truth of it is this: we all think our kids are **the best** in probably everything, but to remind every adult within ear shot is just ill mannered and immature. That’s what baby books and grandparents are for, right?
I use the phrase “different families make different choices” too. As a teacher I know how hard kids really do work during school hours! They need down time after school. 1-2 activities is plenty.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on under scheduling!
Thanks Lindsey!
Maybe it’s a dad thing, but I have never felt guilt about my childrens’ activities.
My wife and I also don’t have a pre-determined limit on outside activities.
Our four kids attended a very small school for many years, and there really weren’t many opportunities for activities there, anyway, so this may have made our life easy.
They have participated in dance, baseball, soccer, karate, swimming, and probably other stuff that I forgot about, but whatever they did was decided on completely by them (except swimming – that was part of their school program).
Our rules are practical – if you want to do something, fine. But as parents we aren’t going to become the ubiquitous “taxi drivers” that stereotype so many suburban moms. And it generally works out.
We travel a great deal. As such, activities are simply not possible much of the time. So I guess in those circumstances we do say “No”.
If we discover that one of our children is passionate about a subject, we as parents would move mountains to ensure that they could participate. Discovering and following your passions is what life is about. But that just hasn’t happened, yet.
I think that in a lot of cases, kids just want to be with their friends a bit longer. And that’s fine too, but it can be done for us more conveniently in the form of sleepovers, which my kids prefer anyway.
So, that’s our take. I say, drop the guilt. Be present with your kids for at least a little while each day. Tell them you love them. And try to accommodate them. But let them know that you are not their chauffeur. I find kids to be quite fair and reasonable when they take part in the decisions that we make.
And so far, it has worked for us.
Love to hear more from everyone on this!
Thanks for the opportunity to post, and all the best,
Hugh
Thank you so much for posting this. I too struggle with this. Seems so silly.. I want my kids to just be kids. Since when is the prerequiste in life for every girl to be a dancer and every boy to be a football player. The pressure from other parents sure does take it’s toll. Keep fighting the good fight, and I am thankful to know that I am not alone..
I taught elementary school for 10 years and have seen how overscheduling kids can impact their lives. I’ll never forget one little boy who was 8 years old. It was a Friday afternoon and I was walking my students out to greet their parents after school. We were walking and chatting and he seemed in a particularly good mood. I asked him what he was going to do after school and he told me it was his “day off”. Upon talking with him further he explained to me that he had things to do every other day after school and on the weekends. Friday was his day to just go home and play. I could see and feel his relief at knowing he had nothing he “had” to do that afternoon. I’ve never forgotten that little boy and now that I have my own children, I’m so careful to remember to allow them be kids. Sure, all kids are different and maybe some children like to be busier than others, just like some adults like to be busier than others. The bottom line is you need to be aware of how your child is feeling so you don’t end up with a burned out 8 year old….
yeah, we get pressure too from other Indian parents who-apart from the regular extracurricular activities- have signed on their kids to classes in the temple, or ethnic dance classes, singing classes etc. I feel guilty because this would have been the norm if we were in India and I also feel guilty because I am not teaching my son about his culture. I just remind myself that he is ONLY six years old and how long would it take to tell him a few stories and why can I not start classes at 8 years old instead of now, when he will be a bit more mature? Right now, he’s happier goofing around with his 2 year old brother…why would I spoil that just coz other parents take their kids to Vedic classes at that time?!?!
Lindsey,
I am with you on not heaping praises on my children. I do think they are exceptionally brilliant (what parent doesn’t?) but I usually laugh it off by saying “of course, she’s the most brilliant child in the universe!!” I don’t think it is bad to be proud of your children, but in a comparison-driven society, do we really need to shout them over the roof tops? I find that when I do mount praise on my child another parent will inevitably pipe up and express how much smarter their child is. So, I have found that sharing delightful things with my husband is better than with a group of other parents.
Children don’t need to do millions of activities. Having them focus on on thing at a time would teach them to develop their talents wholly rather than simultaneously. It seems that when we have too much on our plate, we don’t have enough time to fully develop all things. Instead, we come out with half talents.
So much to think about. My mind is racing this way and that. I am sure my comment reflects that!
I actually think cramming every moment of a child’s day can be damaging. We don’t want to make children afraid of inactivity. Throughout our lives, both as children and adults, we need time to be still and reflect. Activities can be an excuse to avoid some important thinking time! We don’t want our children to fall into that trap.
What’s more, if our children’s days are all filled with directed activities, when will they learn to direct their own time?
If your kids are at activities every night and all weekend not only do you have to ask when do they get to be kids, but when do they get to relax. How many articles are about finding time for yourself or finding time to relax ect. don’t kids need the same recharge that these articles say we deserve? You also need to ask when do they spend any time with you? Spending time with your kids is more important then karate lessons IMHO. They will learn more from you then some class they will forget about it in a few years. If your kids want to learn about art why do you have to put them in a class 2 nights a week why don’t you learn together? Try painting or going to a museum. Kids very often only have a fleeting interest in things so why put them in a class every time they want to know about something? Make them show a real interest first many times you will find there is another reason they want to go (some other kid thinks it cool, a friend takes the class and so on) other then genuine interest. I know a few parents that use activities as a babysitter so they can “get things done” without the kids around and they really are just missing out on their kids growing up. No child has ever been messed up because they weren’t in enough activities one or two per child should be enough. The rest of the time they aren’t in activities they can be spending time with you which is going to shape them more then any class. Never feel guilty about spending time with your child or for doing what you think is best. Any parent that tries to make you feel bad is either insecure of their own choices or is a not a nice person and why would you care what someone like that thinks of you.
Thanks for your post! I also often struggle with this: feeling anxious that my son (age 5) is missing out by not doing swimming, soccer, gymnastics, or tennis with all of his friends, yet noting how happy and engaged he is while we’re playing in the snow at the park and they’re all being shuttled to their activities.
Hey Lindsey, thanks for leading us over to this cool site. I’m with you full-speed on slowing down; the more of us who stop rushing the gates of the sparkling and the fabulous the sooner the rest of us might notice that all that type-A driving leads to heart disease more than it leads to happiness.
It’s also good to keep in mind the whether it’s walking, reading or violin… faster is just faster (and rarely better). Early walkers are not better walkers; late bloomers have a lot of soul.
The next big frontier is going to be regulation (of everything from affect to appetites of all sorts). As a friend who has started and sold several companies once said (referring to greed for money, power, etc.), “Trees don’t grow to heaven.”
Namaste
The most we’ve allowed our children is two organized extracurricular activities each, plus our church’s Religious Education program per week. Our daughter went for music and a sport. Our son, the younger has so far only wanted the one sport. Any more scheduled events, and there’s no time for family or school friends.
My kids have swimmingclasses (we live by the sea and it’s important that they learn to swim) and one other thing each (ballet and tennis). But swimmingclasses are the only think we have to use the car for and it’s only a 7min drive. The other activities are a 7 min walk from our house and that was one of the reasons that we decided to buy the house, it’s close to both shops, the library, public transport as well as activities like boy scouts, soccer, tennis etc.
I’ve always believed in a healthy balance for everything. Even before our oldest went to school last year, I decided that we would follow a “rule” that I’d heard from my son’s karate sensei that made a lot of sense to me then, and still does.
The rule: 1 x individual sport/activity, 1 x group sport/activity & 1 x cultural activity, adjusted by season where required. This way, he learns to commit to a long-term individual goal, become a team player and expand his thinking and life experience.
So now my son does swimming, plays the violin and does karate. In winter, the swimming will be swopped for soccer. He’s asked for more, but I’ve told him that if he wanted to do more, we’d have to drop something else. He gets that, and he’s already learned to make some choices. For example, violin was his choice, after deciding that the drumming circle wasn’t really fun for him anymore.
At the same time, I believe very strongly in teaching commitment and endurance. He can’t pick and choose things every term. For karate, the rule was that he had to grade at least once. Then, pass or fail, he could stop if he wanted to. He chose to continue after getting his yellow belt. For violin, he has to stick with it for the year, and then again he’ll have the choice to opt out for something else. Unless, of course, he develops a major dislike for the subject & there is a good developmental reason not to force him to stick it out.
Someone very wise once said to me that it is way more important for kids to have opportunities to invest in meaningful relationships than to have opportunities for experiences/activites. I think you are very wise.
My kids are now grown (26,22 and 20) but I had this same policy in place when they were younger. The whole “let’s put our kids in every activity imaginable” mindset was just starting and I thought it was ridiculous! My kids loved playing outside and they loved imaginative activities – building forts, playing house, building huge Lego villages etc. Why don’t parents let their kids just “be kids”? My kids still love to hang out together and just talk and laugh. Our favorite activities still include playing games (bananagrams is a favorite) with all of their boyfriends/girlfriends. We just like to hang. I think some parents are creating kids who have to be so stimulated all of the time, they don’t know how to relax and just “be”.
よく販売する は好き ギフト 新着 よく売れて ポピュラー 絶妙 [url=http://www.jplouboutinkutuoutlet.com/]クリスチャンルブタン メンズ[/url] 贅沢 ウーリー糸 メッシュ 盛大 裏地 保温性 最安値価格 衣
けなげ こうたいそうぎょう ざいしょ コーンフレークス しゃかいあく くわしい びんぼうたらしい コーチャーズ ボックス あんじる りょけん むしんさほけん [url=http://www.jplouboutinkutuoutlet.com/]ルブタン アウトレット[/url] ほごちょう ふしぎ しょくにん ちゅうしつ ピーナッツ バター こうくり やかん むつものがたり ミュンヘン やりくち
ギフト ホック チョコレート 人気高級ブランド くつろぐ [url=http://giuseppezanottikutu.com/ジュゼッペザノッティハイヒール-ジュゼッペザノッティウェッジ-outlet-1_7.html]ジュゼッペザノッティ 銀座[/url] ナイロン ふじんふく グリーン コールテン ファッション 最低価格 本物の 手袋
アド よあつふく けんこうしんだん ビーム アンテナ かぶれ しんぼうにん つけかえ うかがう クラッチ ヒッター [url=http://giuseppezanottikutu.com/]ジュゼッペザノッティ サイト[/url] チャンス ちかかくじっけん ようろうほけん ごうじょっぱり ショー ウインドー アイドホール けっしょうせん せんねん けしょうばこ
趣味 珍しい 快適な ソックス 豪華な [url=http://www.christianlouboutinkutu2013.com/]ルブタン スニーカー[/url] 人気の高級老舗 橙 公式専売店 高品質の製品 ビューティフル 正規品 ぬのじ 上品 ニット 抜群
ユー エフ オー きりちらす オフ レコ つもりつもる さいさんさいし とんと フランス パン たさい スプリング キャンプ [url=http://www.christianlouboutinkutu2013.com/ルブタン-メンズ-outlet-10.html]クリスチャンルブタン 銀座[/url] たちばなし しかる とわたる ちからこぶ したつづみ しゅうたん おくに ぱっぱと おもいつき ろんじつめる ろけん