Post written by Sherri Kruger. Follow me on Twitter.
There comes a time in every parents journey when they hear those four little words: “You’re doing it wrong”.
We don’t usually hear this explicitly expressed from complete strangers, acquaintances, friends or even family. We hear it from ourselves.
We are our own worst critics.
I don’t think anyone holds us to as high of standards as we hold ourselves. Typically these are hard standards to meet, for anyone.
What you do: You discipline your children. Your thought: You’re doing it wrong.
What you do: You read to your children. Your thought:You probably could have read longer, slower or with more enthusiasm.
What you do: You teach your children manners. Your thought:You could have exhibited more patience.
What you do: You let your kids have some alone time and play by themselves. Your thought:You should have gotten on the floor and played with them instead of selfishly flipping through the recent issue of your favorite magazine.
These are just four points among the thousands we beat ourselves up over on a daily basis. Instead of looking at what you could have done differently or feeling bad for what you’ve done take some time throughout the day to focus on your wins.
Look back and see how far you’ve come. I did this recently and here’s what I’ve seen:
- my kids no longer scream, spit or hit.
- my kids are quite happy to play by themselves occasionally.
- my kids say please and thank you (95% of the time without being prompted).
- I get hugs and kisses several times each and everyday.
- my kids are happy and are willing to try anything.
- my kids love to play outside and rarely (if ever) ask to watch a movie or TV.
So in my eyes my husband and I are doing something right, in fact, several things right. For us these are important values and characteristics for our family to have and as our kids are only 2 1/2 and 1 1/2 years old I think we’re headed in the right direction.
Next time you’re beating yourself up over doing something “wrong” stop and realize that you and you alone are setting these expectations. Revisit the last year or so and see how far you’ve come. Give equal weight to the little wins as you do to your self professed failures. It’s empowering and can actually make you a better parent for it.
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Thank you for this post Sherri, you are so right. I think we are beating ourselves up because of the “not good enough” limiting belief a lot of people have. The truth is that when you feel enough, we start improving much quicker. I noticed that when I stopped beating myself up for the little mistakes I was making with raising my son, I became a much better mother without much effort.
Sherri,
Everyday, I go through something that I wish I had not or something I wish I had. Being mommy is full of joy and guilt. My preschooler, oldest one is very imaginative, and I want to encourage that, but with 1 year old also in tow, I am not able to spend quality time on either of them. I always wonder how other moms do it.
My best way right now is to take one day at the time, and it is okay if I do not give world on platter for them, as long they know I love them truly that is what matter. I am scared someday, they will be sitting in therapist office, thinking I could have been president but it is my mom’s fault that I am not. :-) actual nightmare I had seriously. :-)
I adore that you took a moment to reflect and see the positive, and those things that are going well. I think we all beat ourselves up on the parenting thing, but life is too short and the less we focus on the negative, or the loses the better parents we will be. When we are happy and feeling good, I think the love for our children shines through the most. Great job!!
I have often said my children did not come with an instruction manual! Even without that important resource, my wife and I used basic ideas to raise our children: love, patience, acceptance and tough love when needed.
Parenting is one of the toughest things we do, but the rewards are simply amazing.
We can be so hard on ourselves! Not every parent has the same strengths. For instance, I’m great at school projects and celebrating the little things everyday. I’m horrible at playdates and getting down on the floor to play Barbies! But I’ll read story after story all night long. :)
Reading Seth Godin’s book, Linchpin, reminded me that I can be as much of an “artist mom” as those natural-born mothers who seem to be hard-wired for parenthood. I wrote a post about it here, called “Seth Godin on the Art of Motherhood.”
http://tinyurl.com/godinmom
Thank you for this article Sherrie.
Sometimes I find myself doubting whether I am doing a good enough job as a mother. The biggest challenge for me is giving equal amounts of attention to both of my twin girls. Sometimes I also doubt myself as a mother because my girls are a little bit behind the rest of the children (they do not speak yet even though they are 2 years old.)
When I have those doubts I look at them and I see two happy smiling girls who love playing outside, who are healthy and who interact with each other and with people around them. When I see smiles on their faces I understand that I am doing the most important thing right – I am raising HAPPY children.
Thank you for your column.
Sometime I feel that I am a BAD father. I have two kid 5-year-old boy and 2-year-old girl. I think I should have to spend more time with my kids but it is not easy for me to take times during weekdays. Everytime I go back home, watching they sleeping, I think some things are going wrong. For this reason, sometimes I arugued with my wife.
From now on, I have to see the bright side. Even though I cannot spend more times with my kids than other fathers, when I’m with them, I have to be the best father in the world.
P.S If there were something wrong with my English. It is because I’m Korean.
Many Thanks
My mother recently commented that she felt bad for parents of the new millenium, because there’s so much emphasis on “parenting”. She said that when I was young, she just raised her kids, did her best and that was that. She got down on the floor and played sometimes, we watched TV sometimes, we went outside sometimes, and we were towed to the grocery store to get groceries and to the local department store for some new shampoo. Life was about family, hard work and love. And we knew that we were loved and cared for….because we were. Not because our parents obsessed about parenting right, but because they just loved us.
Good reminder for us perfection-striving, take it way too seriously, over-doing it all types. (Not that I know anything about THAT) :)
So, you mind filling me in on how you accomplished the first bit about screaming?
You’re absolutely right though. That kind of thinking is destructive in any facet of our lives. And can I say that I dislike “good enough”, too?
LOL Jasi. Funny you should ask that today of all days. I took my two boys to the grocery store only to have my eldest break down into an absolute screaming fit because he couldn’t hold the cinnamon rolls when it was time to check out. Oh the drama!
I think it’s largely a phase. I never condoned it and always told him it wasn’t appropriate to scream and to use his words (even though he was just starting to speak). I think a lot of it stems from the frustration they feel with not being able to communicate and get their thoughts across. I’ve been told they do eventually stop the high pitched screech at some point altogether. I just haven’t quite got there yet apparently. :)