things people never tell you about having kids

things people never tell you about having kidsI am the mother of a beautiful 9-year-old and yes, being a mom (like everything in life that involves commitment and responsibility) has its ups and downs. I often get all kinds of questions and comments, some good, some not so much. Some ask (something obvious) as if it has been difficult to raise a child (being a mother is not easy, in fact nothing in life that involves looking for a good result must be; it takes time, effort and dedication), they also tell me that I was a very young mother, “you were very young”, (you do the math, I am 27 and my son has just turned 9). On another occasion I found myself in a position to answer if my vagina was tight after having had a natural birth (yes, it is real) or if I do not regret having been such a young mother, they remind me in a tone of regret of the things that (they believe) I have missed, that I could not do.

Because not having children is the best decision you’re taking

I think that if I write this with the same crudeness that I’ve been asked to do, it’s to give you an idea of the kind of things they can ask you; of what people who don’t have children can ask. Also missing is the person who questions what I would do in case my son is gay (What Would you do if you got “joto”?) or listen to another musical genre other than those I hear (what would you do if you had a “reggatonero”son?) and I realize how afraid we are of what others do, what we do not accept… and how lightly we can take someone else’s life.

A few days ago a friend told us about his decision not to have children while we were talking about mine, he told me about the heaviness of giving up his free time and all the thousands of things he still had before him and he would have to give up if he had a son (it’s weird, I’ve always had free time [and also time to finish college] and I also have many things ahead of me, besides being a mother, of course, I’m also a person). He also told me about how expensive it is to have a child (since we were talking about how “expensive” they come out in terms of time) and I find it a miscalculation when I saw that I had in my hands a phone that perhaps costs twice a delivery (in a world of insurance for major medical expenses).

I write and part of that work is to investigate thoroughly and I was looking for articles from different media, including Vice on how in different countries there are different strategies to save when you have a baby at home, some of them go from finding a doctor who is in favor of natural childbirth to promoting breastfeeding: parents save a lot of money and also babies get just the nutrients they need. There are also recommendations for making meals and home cooking, prevention measures to avoid visiting your doctor all the time, and even people who use thousands of discount coupons or don’t invest industrial amounts of money in baby toys, especially when they end up distracted by your earrings and your hair. There are infinite possibilities when well researched.

If the reason is a no, if you don’t want to have a child (or another) you don’t need to justify it. As I tell my son, when you say it’s not because you’re convinced, not because you have to convince others.

You can be a father or mother and a person at the same time, it doesn’t have to be, as they always paint it, a renunciation but a balance. Between him, me and everything else. As I mentioned above, we’re parents, but we’re not people anymore. Yeah, if you’re deciding not to have kids, I think it’s for the wrong reasons. (No, this is not an invitation to reproduce, it’s an invitation to choose to be a parent or not, it’s a conscious decision and no, don’t ask people, “you for when?, one cannot (and should not) assume anything about the paternity of others.)Because not having children is the best decision you're taking

The drawback of being a young mother is obviously a lack of experience. I’m not talking about the obvious, but about the good or bad things that you don’t even know and that now it’s up to you to imbibe in a child’s conscience: all the good and bad things that you’re going to teach someone else now. The truth is that many of my mistakes, with others and myself, have taught me to carry my son’s education without “good” or “bad”, but to tell him things as they are. And, learning with him, he’s taught me everything I didn’t know about myself… wonderful things.