I don’t think the punishments & rewards/behavioral approach is really effective in the long term, unless you wish for your child a life of forever seeking to achieve rewards (extrinsic motivation vs intrinsic motivation). I think new, emerging style of parenting is one of connection with the child’s needs and desires, true acceptance of the child as a child (and as that specific child), and re-evaluating what is really going on inside ourselves that causes us to have expectations of our children and how we hurt our children by having them. There is no need to set consequences, because there are natural consequences to every choice a person makes. By creating consequences, we are disregarding this natural law, and instead of helping our children to see the consequences of their choices, we are helping them to figure out ways to get around the consequences. I.e. I stop at the red light not because I don’t want to get a ticket, but because I don’t want to hurt myself and others. This helps build empathy, which is already very strong in children, but is often squashed when the adults around him/her don’t return that empathy. To suggest that “waffling” is somehow bad, is built on the grounds of authoritarian (bully) parenting, same with the idea of consistency. I’d prefer to be consistent in my flexibility, that I can and do change my mind and that this is okay, it’s human nature, everyone does this on a regular basis. Do I really want my child to model a kind of consistent stubbornness and unwillingness to change? Not really.

John, thank you for your thoughtful comments. I have not always practiced what I preach, but I sure try. I never feel good about losing my temper. To raise calm and respectful children, you have to model that behavior!