This is a guest post written by Vince Robisch of Help Me Reinvent.
Children are incredible teachers for adults. Having kids has expanded my heart and exposed my weaknesses in ways I could not have imagined. I am grateful every day that I get to be a father. Not because I do everything as well as I would like or because I want to be with my children every minute of every day (hey, they need breaks from me too!), but because it is a chance to love, be loved, learn, teach and experience life in ways that are so joyful and refreshing.
Friendship is one area where my kids have been wonderful teachers. Although I have been a friend much longer than they have, they approach friendship with an energy that is inspiring. As I thought about what I have learned, I identified three specific ways that my kids have taught me to be a better friend:
1. Take an Interest:
- Remember Names. My kids take an unbelievable interest in their friends and classmates. They actually bring their elementary school yearbooks to bed with them in order to study the names of not only kids in their class but the entire school! I’m sure that you have experienced the comfort of someone remembering your name after only meeting you one time. Or maybe you have experienced the discomfort of someone calling you “champ”, “sport”, or “buddy” because they still don’t know your name after the fifth introduction. Learning someones name is on of the best ways to build rapport with a new friend.
- Picture Future Friends. In learning the names of other kids in their school, they also take on an attitude that their school is filled with future friends. Why not go ahead and learn their names in advance? The world is much smaller and easier to relate to when you can identify someone as “Sherri Kruger” instead of “that lady that writes ZenFamilyHabits and Serene Journey.”
- Listen. I am always so impressed with my kids (please excuse so many proud father moments) when it is time to buy a present for someones birthday party. They have such good ideas based on something they have heard in class or at recess. “Jack loves baseball” or “Abby was in a play about mermaids so I think she will love this”. I’m sure that their information could be off at times but they have cared enough to listen and tried to find something that would make their friend happy. A thoughtful gift creates a special moment.
2. Be Open:
- Withhold Judgment. Have you ever noticed the lack of judgment that comes from young children? The labels and barriers of adulthood have not entered their realm. They are open to new friendships and generally have a low barrier to entry. Typically, the only requirement is that you want to play.
- Forgive. Kids are also open to the idea of forgiveness. Conflict erupts on a regular basis and they find a way to move past it. Even if someone has uttered the line of last defense, “You’re not my friend anymore!”, the window of separation is tiny; often only seconds. Not only that, if you wait a few hours and ask the child “What happened?”, they usually have no recollection. The transgression is gone and forgotten.
3. Show Friends Their Value:
- Tell Them You Enjoy Their Company. In the summer and on weekends, no good playtime ends without a request for a sleepover. What a great way to show a friend they are valued! It’s the kid way of saying “I am having so much fun playing with you that I with this would never end.”
- Give and Receive Freely. My daughters have also made friends with some wonderfully generous kids. They are the kind of kids that would give away a present the day after their birthday. And kids know how to receive gifts as well. They realize that being able to receive a gift gives others the joy of giving.
- Be Loyal. Many kids are also naturally loyal. Not only do they forgive past wrongs but they have an expectation for the future. They can’t imagine not being friends for the rest of their lives. Although change is inevitable, some have realized that it is special not only to have a friend but to keep a friend. Friendship is not about using someone to get what you want, it is what you want.
Friendship is a wonderful gift and kids are amazing teachers. What have you learned about friendship from your children? In what other areas are your kids inspiring teachers?
Vince writes at HelpMeReinvent a blog about providing the strategies we need to make the changes we desire.
I so agree with you Vince. I’ve learnt so much from my toddler… Talk about parent-child role reversal. Just goes to show that if you keep an open mind, you can learn the best lessons from the littlest teachers. :-)
Great stuff. I don’t think enough fathers are humble enough to learn all they can from their children, but you can learn great things if you pay attention and are teachable.
I love how my children easily say no to their friends if they are not interested in doing something. They don’t worry about how the other person will receive it, and at the same time their friends take no for answer very well without a lot of upset.
@Prerna – Great point and thank you for agreeing! :)
@Eric – Unfortunately, I think you are spot on about fathers but I really think fathers are moving in the right direction compared to previous generations.
@Wendy – Great point!…unless they are siblings :)
Thank you all for your comments. Also, feel free to contact me if you have any questions.
I love this. My daughter is so uninhibited about meeting new people and loves going to the park when we have no playdate planned and no friends in mind, because, as she says, she can’t wait to meet new friends. What a lovely way to look at the world, as full of friends we just haven’t met yet!
Thank you for this lovely post. I have learned a lot from my kids and the most important thing theiìy taught me is to have fun. I haven’t had a happy childhood. Actually I often say that “I have never been a child”.
It was only when I become a mother that I learned, along with my kids, to run, jump, laugh, be myself and not what others expect me to be.
My kids actually set me free…
@Kelly – Your daughter sounds like someone I want my daughters to run into at the park!
@Claudia – You are welcome and thank you for your thoughtful and open comments. What a beautiful phrase “My kids actually set me free…” I’m glad to hear that you are enjoying your freedom.
The art of friendship seems to get more complicated the older we get, but it shouldn’t have to. I appreciate and agree with your perspective…that relationships can be simple. A simple affirmation like “Vince, you are such a valuable friend to me” is something that many adults forget to say to each other. Kids definitely have it right and often express their love for friends much more creatively as well. Wouldn’t it be cool to give and receive drawings with our adult friends? I think I will make and mail one this week!
@Neal I couldn’t agree with you more. Great idea on the drawing!
Just wanted to let you know I included this wonderful post in my blog’s weekly Reading Roundup. Thank you for sharing!
@Toni Thank you so much! I’m honored to be included in your Reading Roundup.
It’s called learning how to love. We are born loving, guileless happy children. And then we are then taught how to be unhappy. Great that you opened your mind and changed your way of thinking. Awesome post!