Post written by Sherri Kruger. Follow me on Twitter.
I was watching the Ellen show today and it included a discussion with Anderson Cooper. Now whether you care for either of these individuals or not is irrelevant, the topic of their discussion is what I want to talk about. Bullying.
I haven’t had much experience with bullying. I went to a relatively small school and from my perspective there wasn’t much bullying going on. There was a lot of friendly banter but nothing ugly, nothing nasty … again, that I was aware of.
My kids are still very young (2 and 3) so they haven’t been subjected to this yet either but just the thought of my kids being subjected to bullying sickens me. As I think back to when I was in high school I remember it was tough. Everyone was trying to fit in, to have friends and to be liked. Any little comment would be immediately taken to heart. Was the intent of the person to hurt? Likely not but it may have just the same. Add to this the pressure and stress of online bullying that we’re seeing today and there is no escape for these kids.
When we’re online it’s incredibly easy to feel anonymous. When you feel anonymous you are more likely to say (write) things that you wouldn’t normally if you were surrounded by a group of people. Don’t know what I mean? Think about the last time you got cut off in traffic. Did you calmly let it pass or did you mutter something under your breath? Did you give them a rude gesture or mouth profanities at them as you sped by? Would you have done or said the same thing, in the same tone, and in the same volume if it had been someone jumping in front of you at the super market? My guess would be no. Anonymity gives us courage and sometimes in a very bad way.
As much as technology has advanced us as a society, I think it’s been detrimental to our sense of compassion and ability to empathize in general.
So how do we regain control?
As parents, as grandparents, as human beings we can teach, we can lead by example, and we can get stop deferring it to “someone else” to do something about it. So many of our interactions with “people” are now online. It’s easy to forget that there’s a real, living breathing, person behind the words you see on the screen. That person is not perfect, much like yourself, but they are trying to do the best with what they know at this moment, they are trying to find happiness and provide for themselves and their family.
If we want our kids to be empathetic and compassionate people we need to show them what it means. Talk to them about how you try to put yourself in the other person’s place. Talk to them about how you try to really feel that person’s pain, whatever it is, in as much detail as possible. Once you can see how bad the pain is for this person compassion comes in wanting them to be free of it.
It’s easier for most of us to be compassionate towards people we love or who are close to us. However, if as a society we want to become more compassionate we need to extend this feeling beyond those we’re close to and include everyone and everything around us.
I can’t shelter and protect my kids from every nasty thing life has to offer, I know this. But I will do my part to prevent them from contributing to the problem. The instant I hear one of my children call someone a name, make fun of another kid for being “different” or perceived to be different they will get an age appropriate lesson on the art of empathy and compassion. Let me assure you that I am not perfect in this respect but I am aware of it and I am working everyday at becoming a more compassionate and a more understanding person.
I would really love to hear your thoughts on bullying and what little steps you think we can take to end online and offline bullying. Also, if you have an experience you’d like to share that you think might help someone else please do so!
Leo has posted a lot of great articles on the art of compassion over at Zen Habits and I encourage you to give them a read.
A Guide to Cultivating Compassion in Your Life, With 7 Practices
Wonderful post, glad I caught site of it on Twitter. It’s so very true how we must lead by example. It’s our youngest ones that are so impressionable and where we can truly impact them. I just posted about bullying as young as preschoolers and how this is our chance to step in and help our children learn compassion and empathy. Thank you for a great post!
Thank you Melissa I’m glad you liked it. Bullying as young as preschoolers? That’s just so wrong. But it’s time to do something about it especially when they’re so young and still think their parents know everything. ;)
We do something called a “nice gestures jar” where we encourage each other to do something nice for a family member. My kids are young so it can be as simple as helping each other with homework oroffering to play the other child’s favorite game. When we catch them in the “act” we put a note in the jar to be read at dinner at the end of the week. This supports taking care of each of other which I hope eventually as they get older translates to othes outside of the family.
We also try to do find ways as a family to give to those in crisis or who are less fortunate opening the door to good conversations about differences among people whether it be economic, cultural, gender, or a physical challenge. Encouraging empathy and compassion is a life long education and one that starts with a solid family foundation.
I think this article is very timely and important love the resources as well.
Thank you
http://www.guidedimageryforchildren.com
http://www.practicalparentingsolutions.com
I was sexually harassed by a classmate in 7th grade. I’ve also been emotionally attacked by classmates throughout my K-12 years. I didn’t know to call it bullying, but as an educator, I know what it looks like, and I do my best to stop it. Whether it’s encouraging inclusivity, curbing even unintentional hurtful speech, or stopping physical or emotional attacks between students, all I can do is the best I can do. And it hurts to know that sometimes it might not be enough. I hope that none of my students ever face what some of the recent stories have shown is happening every day.
Hi Deidre,
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m very sorry for what happened to you but I am so happy that you’re using this terrible experience as impetus in trying to prevent it from happening to another child. All we can do is our best and to stand up and step in when we can. Encouraging inclusion and making everyone feel valued and that they matter is a huge start!
I just popped over from weekend reads… the more people write about bullying the better!!! I just don’t think there is a quick solution to bullying. My sister, was really young for her class not to mention tiny, and she suffered mercilessly at the hands of class bullies. It affected her whole life and she never bounced back. Bullying is a topic close to my heart and I wrote about it here: http://www.se7en.org.za/2010/06/17/sunday-snippet-bullies-in-training
I am trying to help my kids avoid bullying: both in terms of behaving as aggressors (unknowingly perhaps) and ending up as victims. I try to build their confidence in all the usual ways, but I am also intrigued and inspired by a program called Gracie Bullyproof, put together by the famous Gracie family in California. Sure, the basis of this program is in martial arts, but is not really about using force to solve problems. It’s a much more holistic approach to dealing with the massive problem of bullying. And it’s fun!
Check it out at:
http://www.gracieacademy.com/bully_proof.asp
BTW I am in no way connected to this family / Gracie Academy and in no way stand to benefit in any way from endorsing this program.
Childhood Early Education Schools always have bullying. I’m always saddened to see the great amount.
I read an article that 1 out of 6 children in the USA are being bullied… those numbers are shocking.