Post written by Sherri Kruger. Follow me on Twitter.
I used to be a people pleaser. I suppose in many ways I still am. I like for people to like me and I also like when people need me for things.
It wasn’t uncommon for me, when I was in the workforce, to drop everything and help someone out when they asked. I’d be in the middle of a project myself and someone would come up and ask if they could talk to me for a few minutes. I’d say sure and 1/2 hour later I’d be done the meeting and trying to get their stuff done as quickly as possible.
I enjoyed it. No, I thrived on it. I loved being the hero.
I came to realize however, that the more work, the more tasks and the more to-do items I took on for other people, the less valuable my own work and my own time appeared to be.
This was happening outside of my work life as well and as any parent knows it only gets worse when you have kids and they start getting a bit older and develop the ability to talk and tell you exactly what they want and when they want it.
Think of the last time you started doing something laundry, preparing dinner, or paying the bills. Then the kids call because they need you right now, or they’re thirsty and need a drink immediately, or they need you to see the “funniest thing ever” on TV. I would drop what I was doing and would tend to my kids. I mean after all that’s what a parent is supposed to do right? Tend to our kids and make sure they know they are number 1.
In my opinion, I couldn’t have been more wrong.
What better way to be taken for granted than to always be there ready with your time, focus and attention at the drop of a hat. When you do something so much it’s not valued as highly as perhaps it should be. If you’re always dropping what you’re doing or working on to tend to others, you’re sending a message to them and to yourself that what you do isn’t really that important anyway.
Show your value
Don’t be a pushover. If you’re in the middle of something and someone asks you for your attention, time or focus try the following: “I’m right in the middle of <activity>. I should be done (in 5 minutes, by Thursday etc…) I can help you out then, if you still need me.” This shows the other person that you’re still willing to help out but that what you’re working on is important.
Confidence. Tell the other person with confidence that you’re unable to do something “right this second” as you’re busy. Avoid using wishy-washy wording as well as asking “is that okay?”. Be confident in who you are and value what you’re doing.
I think showing our kids what we do is important is a great lesson for them. Not dropping everything every. single. time. teaches them that they are not the center of the universe and that other peoples work, needs or focus should be acknowledged and respected.
Not jumping in too soon also gives our kids a chance to figure things out for themselves and it also helps develop their problem solving skills and increases their independence.
Whether you’re running the family home, working on your own business, or being an employee what you do is important.
Take some time and observe how you value yourself and what you do. Is there any situation in particular where you know there is room for improvement? How will you go about changing it?
Sherry,
I think this is awesome. I was the same way in the work place, and it finally pushed my stress level over the edge.
As parents, we do our kids a disservice if we let them think we are there to wait on them hand and foot. I mean, we all remember the spoiled girl on Willie Wonka, “I want a squirrel and I want it NOW!” God forbid we raise kids half as obnoxious as that!
Bernice
Are you too busy to be yourself?
Thanks for this post. It’s something I’m going to be more conscious of in my life now :)
*all my love*
B
Sherri, I agree with the principle of what you’re saying and probably actually manage it better with my young kids at home than I do with my staff at work.
Often the problem has been phrasing it in such as way as to not cause offence or cause a greater problem by someone not coming to me when they should do. I think your phrase “I’m right in the middle of x, should be done by y, can help you then if you still need me” is going to fill quite a few of those gaps though!
Thanks for the tip,
Daryl
Hi Bernice,
I’m glad you enjoyed the article and you’re absolutely right I don’t want my children growing up with a sense of entitlement and being demanding little people. :)
Hi Daryl,
You’re quite welcome. You’re right that it’s sometimes difficult to be tactful and confident at the same time. I’m glad you found that little phrase useful. I also find it helps to have an answer ready to go (like the little phrase) so you’re not blind sided and revert back to dropping everything to help others. I’m glad you enjoyed it and good luck!
Thank you so much for this article and the “permission” to not jump everytime the kids or friends or family need you right now. I have been feeling frustrated that I seem to never be able to finish a simple task because of that. I will definitely be using your suggestions and words to help keep my sanity and to help my kiddos, too. I am new to your blog and just love it!
Hi Renee,
Well that’s just great! I’m glad you found this helpful and I hope you do use some of it to, like you say, keep your sanity! :)
Thank you for your kind words as well!
Hi Renee,
thanks for sharing this post. It is really helpful for everyone. appreciated !
Guilty! And you are so right…it is hurtful, not productive to be this way all of the time.
really good post and applicable in both, professional and personal life.
i’m inconsistent in my jumping to help him /educating towards independence with my son and i am aware of it. but it helps working on it when you read it from an independent source. tx
You are absolutely right! I am often guilty of stopping what I’m doing to help my son (get water, figure a toy out, etc.) instead of making him wait a bit – the end result is that I get angry and frustrated because I never seem to get anything done! Boundaries are so important – life is less stressful that way.
I agree — but how about the flip side, when we expect our children to drop everything and do what they are told NOW. And then they say — “But I’m too busy.” I am such a doormat…I’m trying so hard to be everything to everyone. And getting pretty burnt-out. So…still searching for the right way to be. Thank you for this post!!
This post really resonates with me. I have also long been a people pleaser and never did like confrontation, even if it meant sacrificing my own needs. For me, it wasn’t that I was thriving on it, but I felt guilty saying no or being assertive! It’s taken me several years of learning to acknowledge and listen to my own feelings to help guide how I interact with others. Although it’s still a struggle, I generally choose not to do things solely out of guilt anymore, and boy do I feel better! :-)
This is very important to me because I work in a male dominated field and men tend to leave the documentations and paperworks for someone else to worry about. I just move on and ignore it. If its not mine, its not my problem.
It is impossible to be there at every given point in time to people please. It has been my good point to help everyone, at work, and family when time permits. Though, there is a limit. Take for example, helping my sister this past week..arriving late to work…and getting more work than anticipated. To my knowledge, it was my fault for arriving late. Although, I explained to the person asking me to “drop everything”…as I still had my coat on….to wait five minutes so I can get settled and then I can make my way to see what she needed from me. I mean, really? Some people don’t know what boundaries are? I am not an idiot either. We need space and appreciation. Apart from Karma, being late…it doesn’t excuse a co worker from bombarding me with loads of unrequited work. That is called taking advantage of my generosity.