Editor’s Note: The following is a guest post by Hugh DeBurgh of The Passionate Warrior.
Dear Friend,
As a parent, I have a duty to protect and guide my children along a healthy path towards adulthood.
As an adult human being, I have a need to live at least part of my existence in an adult world, doing adult things and enjoying adult pleasures.
When my kids do something I think they shouldn’t, or that is disrespectful or destructive, or that just annoys the heck out of me, I scold them. It usually doesn’t work very well, but that’s what I do.
My kids like to ignore my scoldings. And sometimes things escalate. And I find myself wondering why can’t my kids be more obedient?
Obedience can keep our kids safe. It can protect them from making mistakes. And it can make our lives as parents a heck of a lot more pleasant.
But kids don’t learn anything by being obedient. Except how to be obedient.
And kids are always learning. Experimenting. Testing. They are little scientists from the moment they are born. Testing their new environment. Pushing the boundaries to see what is really possible.
Experimenting involves risks. But it is as necessary to life as air and water. Experimentation is the way kids discover how their unique personality and point of view perceives the world. It is how young personalities are forged. And young minds emerge.
I believe that the greatest enemy to the growth of children is parental smothering. Too much parenting can do more damage than good. The best parenting is simple. And much less uptight than the traditional approach.
So, where do we, as parents, draw the line between safety for our children, and freedom for them to explore?
Every one of us deals with this balance every day. If our kids were to be seriously hurt because we failed to protect them, we would never forgive ourselves. That’s a powerful motivator to err on the side of safety. And we are known to use psychological tricks to attempt to keep our kids in line when we aren’t around. Such as fear. And guilt. Yet these tricks can lead to lifelong impediments and ingrown fears that hold our kids back long beyond the years they were meant to impact.
In my opinion, another bad thing we parents do is to create rules for our kids for no other reason than that we grew up with those same rules. We imagine there must have been a good reason for these rules, but most of us never bother to discover what those reasons were, or whether they are still relevant in a 21st Century world.
Our world is full of rules. We all navigate a web of these rules every day, hoping not to get tangled in any of them as we try to live our own, unique lives. Our kids will one day have to do the same thing.
Nevertheless, we need to avoid cluttering our kids lives with a minefield of rules. Instead, we should let them discover life organically. Keep rules to a minimum, and focus instead on the basic principles of respect for self and others. By giving our children the freedom to discover their world for themselves, we are showing them the ultimate respect, and modeling respectful behavior for them to follow with their own children.
Should we raise our children to focus their primary energies on avoiding being entangled in the world’s rules, or should we instead raise them to stay focused on pursuing their dreams, while avoiding trouble with our world’s rule obsession as a secondary consideration?
Which of these choices involves personal growth? Which enhances happiness? Which will allow our kids, as adults, to live a deep and fulfilling life? And which more likely will result in one more life of lost opportunities?
What do you want for your children? So where should you focus your energies when it comes to raising your children? Safety? Or discovery?
As a parent, you must decide.
All the best,
Hugh
Hugh DeBurgh, The Passionate Warrior, has dedicated his life to the achievement of the ultimate family lifestyle. You can find him writing about Creative Family Lifestyle Design over at his blog, The Way of the Passionate Warrior. Currently he is on the second leg of a worldwide travel adventure with his wife and four young children. Follow Hugh on Twitter or sign up for his RSS feed and don’t miss an update!
Thank you for this post Hugh.
As a parent I try to do both. Keeping a watchful on my children, I discuss with them the importance of keeping healthy and safe boundaries as they set out to explore. Also, I try to lead by example and show them how to be cautious without being timid.
Alex
I agree with the spirit of this post…BUT. How does one communicate the abstract concept of respect for self and others to a young child without specifics? And by specifics, I mean rules: Don’t take what doesn’t belong to you. Don’t interrupt while I’m on the phone. Don’t hit your brother. Look others in the eye while speaking to them. And so on. If you do not impart this information to your children when they’re young, you’re doing a terrible disservice to the rest of us when they leave home and join the world as adults.
As for the rules of old, perhaps some of them are irrelevant at this point (though I have never instituted a rule without a reason behind it, and I don’t recall my parents doing so, either–is this really how most parents operate?).
However, I have to ask: do you find children in 2011 to be more respectful than–or even as respectful as–the children that were raised with these old and possibly irrelevant rules?
What I wrote today is apropos I think http://ow.ly/1rZUyd. “The Good-enough Mom” (Superior Parenting? That’s Crazy Talk.)
Hey Alex!
Thanks for your great comment!
I think we all do both. With this piece I wanted to remind people of what I myself discovered – as parents we tend to consistently emphasize one direction or the other – safety or discovery, rules or creativity. I found that I did this unconsciously.
Both rules and freedom are important for children, but I have chosen to consciously emphasize the latter. And it seems to have worked out well for us.
All the best,
Hugh
I fully support this post. The central question for me is: what do i want to teach my kid, to follow the rules, or to life his dreams without hurting someone else.
In my vision rules come from colliding interests. Where ones freedom starts, the other ones freedom has to stop.
If my toddler takes a toy from an other toddler, the other toddler wil start to cry, get angry, or even agressive. So i tel my kid that the other toddler cries, because he took the toy. Funny enough, my almost 2 year old toddler understands that, and usually gives the toy back, even without me asking. If he does not, i’ll try and find a solution that both can accept. And thereby show both kids that coöperation and respect for eachother(s belongings) is the happiest way for both.
Sure this is a rule (and as specific as it gets in my book), but one which comes naturally, not because i impose it forcefully. And in my book, the naugthy bench is also a kind of force.
I do not know if any of you have read the book “Unconditional Parenting” by “Alfi Kohn”, it has put me on this track, and it explains to me, being a Dutchman, verry well the drawback of punishment and rewards, and it also gives ideas how to do it differently.
As Kohn writes, it is definately not the easiest way, some of the time it is a struggle, and sometimes i bluntly fail. But i do believe (Kohn) that it is the most effective way in the long run. I want my kid to be kind because he wants to, not because of fear what will happen if someone (i?) finds out!
Marcel
(Please forgive me the writing errors, English is not my first language)
Hi K!
Thanks for your thoughtful comments.
I’ll try to address each point as you made them.
Q: How does one communicate the abstract concept of respect for self and others to a young child without specifics? And by specifics, I mean rules: Don’t take what doesn’t belong to you. Don’t interrupt while I’m on the phone. Don’t hit your brother. Look others in the eye while speaking to them. And so on. If you do not impart this information to your children when they’re young, you’re doing a terrible disservice to the rest of us when they leave home and join the world as adults.
A: I agree completely that children who do not learn respect and accepted social rules may very well grow to to be antisocial adults. My personal approach emphasizes modeling behavior for my children rather than talking about it, as rules may seem to do.
I am not condoning kids running wild. The rule of respect is the cornerstone of any society. Without it, people can only interact on the basis of power, and we are then all ruled by tyrants.
There is no way my kids are getting out of my house without internalizing the concept of mutual respect, and the practical reality AND morality of the Golden Rule. And there are two major tools that I can use to bring home this message.
I can announce a family rule, and/or I can live the desired behavior and regularly point that fact out to my kids, as well as point out public examples of what happens when mutual respect is not practiced. I use both approaches, but I emphasize the latter.
Once our kids are grown, they are free to choose how to live.
If I did not emphasize my lifestyle as a behavioral model for my kids, but relied much more strongly on rules alone, I would expect my young kids to comply, as long as they feared and/or respected me. But once they hit their teens, I would have great reason to fear a wholesale revolt against what they may see as adult hypocrisy. And once they became adults, the manner of their life approach would be much more in doubt.
I’m not saying we have to be saints around our kids. That would be both absurd and fake. And kids can smell fake a thousand miles away. Rather we need to be real, but true to our basic moral principals. And when we fail, admit it.
Let your kids see you being human. It’s the best way for them to learn how to do the same. The sooner they realize that it’s OK to not be perfect, but it isn’t OK to be fake or disrespectful, the sooner they will be ready to thrive in our tough world.
Q: As for the rules of old, perhaps some of them are irrelevant at this point (though I have never instituted a rule without a reason behind it, and I don’t recall my parents doing so, either–is this really how most parents operate?).
A: Here I was pointing out my own experience.
I found that I had expectations of my kids, some quite subtle, that really weren’t important. Yet I was insisting on compliance. I suddenly realized that arguing with them over these just wasn’t worth it. And that I couldn’t think of a good reason things had to be done that way, except that it was the only way I knew.
I wanted to remind people to think about what they expect from their kids, and to focus on what really matters.
Q: However, I have to ask: do you find children in 2011 to be more respectful than–or even as respectful as–the children that were raised with these old and possibly irrelevant rules?
A: I’m in no position to comment on a generalization of youth behavior in 2011. And I highly doubt that irrelevant rules ever had value (unless they weren’t irrelevant in the past).
My goals are focused on raising healthy and independent adults. I emphasize that goal over producing compliant kids. That is my choice.
I see the mess that is popular culture today. And I experience rude children who seem to know nothing about the skills required to live in and maintain a peaceful community.
But it isn’t hard to teach this stuff to our kids. Mutual respect is a very basic and simple skill for most to learn. I suspect that some parents just don’t take the time to model this for their kids. And that is a real tragedy.
Thanks again for your great comments. I really appreciate you taking the time to communicate how you feel.
Best to you,
Hugh
Marcel –
Fantastic comment! You put things beautifully. And your English is superb. :-)
This approach is tougher when kids are very young. It takes a lot of patience, and more involvement with your kids than some parents are prepared to give.
I admit to using more forceful means with my kids when the risks of the behavior are high (like when my first infant son tried to lick our electrical outlets).
But I sleep well at night confident that I am doing the best I can, and my kids seem happy! :-)
I really appreciate your thoughts!
Hugh :-)
Rick -
Your post at “The Genius in Children” is awesome! (See http://rickackerly.com/2011/01/19/%E2%80%9Csuperior-mothers%E2%80%9D-that%E2%80%99s-crazy-talk-children-need-only-3-things/ ).
Beautiful work. And definitely a recommended read! :-)
Hugh
Dear Hugh,
I thinks Marcel’s aproach (or Kohn’s) is much tougher when you start on a older age. We praktically started de day our son was born (by figure of speach), giving ourselfes the time to grow in to it.
You wrote that this style takes a lot of patiente and involvement, I’m not shure it askes more of you than an other paranting style. When I look around and see other parants strategies and compare them to ours, I think mine cost less energy in the end of the day.
Esther (Marcels wife)
Hi Esther!
Thanks for your thoughts!
I agree that switching strategies of child-rearing is hard when the child is older.
At first, the child won’t think you are really serious, and will test you constantly to see how far they can go.
When a child is used to being restrained by lots of rules they tend to get “freedom fever” once those rules go away. They think in terms of what they are allowed to do instead of what they want or ought to do to live their life as they want to. This is about your child learning that this is their life, not ours, and they are the one’s who will ultimately determine where they will end up.
When I see all these “kids gone wild” things relating to college kids, what I really see is kids who have been locked up inside a system of external controls all their lives suddenly experiencing freedom, and not knowing how to handle it. The sooner kids understand that freedom is their natural state, the sooner they will realize that personal responsibility is simply their own choice of how they live. I believe this is the process of a free human being coming of age as a happy adult in control of their own direction, rather than a caged animal suddenly breaking free and having little idea what they are supposed to do next without someone to tell them.
I agree that in the long term raising a child who learns to be responsible for his or her own direction is easier than raising one who has to look to others for direction – first you, and then their peers. However, in the short term in any given situation it can seem easier to just bark out rules rather than take the time to examine a situation and help a child start to make decisions for themselves.
I think my kids know that they don’t have the freedom to do anything they want, that real borders are out there, and yet I may give them more rope than they may be ready to take. I think there is a level of trust so that they don’t see me as an enemy setting barriers but rather as a guide stretching them out before them and nudging them further. At least I hope so.
I think kids subtly communicate to you whether their behavior is true exploration or just an attempt to grab your attention. Generally I can recognize the difference in each child because I have come to know their unique styles. And I tailor my reaction accordingly.
It’s hard to describe all of this. It’s more of a feel thing with my kids than something I can describe well in words. I “feel” my kids wanting to be seen. I acknowledge them, but I also let them know that they are not the center of the world, and I have other priorities too. They may not like that, but they don’t feel insecure about it. That’s the key.
My kids just want to know that I am there for them if they need me and that I “see” them. At that point their anxiety goes down and their dangerous-type boundary pushing generally gets less intense. Then I feel more confident enforcing barriers on them.
And with shyer kids I may play the role of boundary pusher, very gently opening doors they might not otherwise open themselves, but never pushing them through. I try to encourage exploration in these kids by showing a contagious excitement and enthusiasm for learning.
I hope that my kids realize that their parent is an ally in their life discovery process, not just a barrier. It’s a real fine line, and nobody’s perfect. And every child has different levels of need for boundary setting and/or boundary pushing.
So, it’s all a dynamic process of guidance, unique for each child. For shy kids I try to show the excitement and fun of discovery. For bold kids I give them just a bit more rope than I feel comfortable with, and push my own boundaries in the process.
Hopefully, it works. So far, so good.
Thanks again for joining the conversation!
Hugh :-)
Thanks, I have learn a lot from this post. What about changing strategies when the child has completed 10 years of his life or in early teans. Does it work on them or cause confusion.
@ Ahmad Rabbani: any change comes with difficulties, but in my experience (as in heard from friends and read in books) it does work.
I think it does cause confusion, for a while, not for ever. And it wil be benefitial to all in the long term. What makes more sense: ‘completing’ a style you don´t longer aprove off or change to a style you believe in now that you can?
There’s a book about changing your parenting style. I can’t remember the title or writer, so I’ll come back to it.