Post written by Zen Family Habits contributor Suzannah. Follow her on Twitter.

When it comes to schooling, do you expect your children to follow the same path you took?

My husband and I come from different educational backgrounds.

I went through the public school system, and finished university with two degrees. Both of my parents have university degrees.

My husband was homeschooled, and attended a technical college. He was the first in his family to go past the twelfth grade. Still, despite my more formal education, my husband’s longer years of service and experience mean he earns a larger salary than I do.

I see higher education as a means to open doors; my husband sees hard work and experience as more important than formal education.

Despite our preferences, we share aspirations of being able to eschew the 9-to-5 workday, and we hope our children will one day find ways to pursue the freedom of lifestyle we so desire.

Still, there are some important considerations we need to remember when thinking about the future of our children’s education:

1. Just because we do something, doesn’t mean our children should be expected to do the same. We cannot expect our children to attend college or university, just because we did. We should respect the paths our children choose. After all, by the time they decide to pursue those paths, they will be adults, themselves.

2. Just because we choose not to do something, doesn’t mean our children should be expected to do the same. On the other side of the spectrum, I’ve encountered people who look down on formal education. They’ve toiled to get where they are, and they expect their children to hold the same values. Just because we didn’t pursue post-secondary education doesn’t mean our children won’t want to.

3. A successful and comfortable professional life can be obtained by either higher education or work experience. There is no one path to success, and people excel in different areas. Each person will benefit by taking the most appropriate path to achieve his or her goals.

4. The definition of success is subjective. What your children grow to view as ’success,’ might be different from your own views. Your definition of success may include a secure job with a high salary, a big house and a fancy car. Someone else’s definition of success might be freedom of time and personal job satisfaction.

5. Ultimately, we want to see our children happy. Although we might think it would make us happy to see our children follow in our footsteps, if we force them to take a path they wouldn’t otherwise choose, they won’t thank us for it.

When my mother was young, she wanted to be a veterinarian. Her parents had other ideas–they wanted her to take over the family business. To this day, she regrets having acquiesced, and putting aside her educational goals to please her parents.

As a parent, no matter how much I’d like to see my children live up to their full potential, I don’t want to impose on them a lifetime of regret.

What are your wishes for your children’s education?

Post written by jules from stonesoup | minimalist home cooking.

As a girl who grew up in the country, a long way from the ocean, seafood is something that I still think of as a luxury. And something that I tend to order in restaurants rather than cooking at home.

Cooking fish need not be as daunting as you think. Salmon fillets are lovely pan fried just like a steak, but far more forgiving – if you overcook salmon the natural oiliness means it won’t be dried out.

And cooked shrimp or prawns just need to be peeled and served with a tasty sauce. To be honest I always let everyone peel their own. A bit messier but way more fun.
With all the nutritional benefits of fish and seafood – why not try one of these simple recipes?

pan fried salmon with tahini sauce & salad

serves 4

Tahini is ground up sesame seeds and is available from health food stores and the health food section of the supermarket. It makes a lovely fresh nutty sauce when mixed with lemon juice. If you can’t get your hands on tahini you could just serve the salmon with a wedge of lemon or even the yoghurt mayo from the shrimp recipe below.

The cooking time really depends on the thickness of your fish. I like to serve salmon still quite pink in the middle. If you prefer it cooked all the way through it will need a few more minutes.

I usually buy my fish with the skin still on because I love it when it gets all crispy. Kind of like a seafood version of pork crackling. But I know it’s not for everyone so by all means buy your fish without skin – it doesn’t really make a difference to the cooking time.

4 tablespoon tahini

8 tablespoons lemon juice

4 salmon fillets

2 small bulbs fennel, very finely sliced crosswise

1 bunch mint, leaves picked

Combine tahini and lemon. Add a little water until it is a good sauce consistency.

Heat 3 tablespoons olive oil in a medium frying pan over medium heat. Season salmon well and cook skin side down for 3 minutes or until the skin is crispy and starting to go brown. Turn and cook the other side until cooked to your liking. About 2 minutes.

Meanwhile combine mint and sliced fennel.

To serve spread a bed of tahini over the base of each plate. Top with a little of the mint & fennel and lastly the fish.

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snapper parcels with green beans & cherry tomatoes

serves 4

Any white fish fillets will work here if you can’t find snapper.

I love these little parcels. So simple. Just wrap up individual serves and pop it in the oven. 10 minutes later dinner is ready.

4 snapper fillets

2 large handfuls green beans (approx 1lb or 450g), tops trimmed

2 punnets cherry tomatoes, halved

1 bunch basil, leaves picked

lemon cheeks, to serve

Preheat oven on it’s highest setting.
Lay out 4 squares of foil or baking paper. Divide beans, tomato and basil leaves between each square. Top with fish, skin side down. Season and drizzle over a generous amount of olive oil – about 1 tablespoon per parcel. Seal each parcel and place on a baking tray.

Cook for 8 minutes, open up one of the parcels to see if the fish is cooked. It might need a few more minutes.
Serve each parcel on a plate with a lemon cheek.

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simple shrimp with yoghurt mayo

serves 4

I love this yoghurt mayo – a simple blend of virtuous natural yoghurt and sinful whole egg mayonnaise it’s a super easy and versatile sauce. Great with all fish and seafood and also delicious with roast chicken. Definitely something I keep coming back to.

If you’d prefer you could buy green shrimp and cook them yourselves. Being Australian, I love them on the barbeque of course.

4 tablespoons natural greek style yoghurt

4 tablespoons mayonnaise

1kg cooked shrimp

mixed salad leaves, to serve

Combine yoghurt and mayonnaise. Season.
Divide prawns between 4 plates and serve with a handful of leaves and a small bowl of sauce on the side. If you’re feeling fancy you can serve little finger bowls so everyone can wash their hands.

Head on over to stonesoup for more simple 5 ingredients | 10 minutes recipes.

Post written by Sherri Kruger. Follow me on Twitter.

There comes a time in every parents journey when they hear those four little words: “You’re doing it wrong”.

We don’t usually hear this explicitly expressed from complete strangers, acquaintances, friends or even family. We hear it from ourselves.

We are our own worst critics.

I don’t think anyone holds us to as high of standards as we hold ourselves. Typically these are hard standards to meet, for anyone.

What you do: You discipline your children. Your thought: You’re doing it wrong.
What you do: You read to your children. Your thought:You probably could have read longer, slower or with more enthusiasm.
What you do: You teach your children manners. Your thought:You could have exhibited more patience.
What you do: You let your kids have some alone time and play by themselves. Your thought:You should have gotten on the floor and played with them instead of selfishly flipping through the recent issue of your favorite magazine.

These are just four points among the thousands we beat ourselves up over on a daily basis. Instead of looking at what you could have done differently or feeling bad for what you’ve done take some time throughout the day to focus on your wins.

Look back and see how far you’ve come. I did this recently and here’s what I’ve seen:

• my kids no longer scream, spit or hit.
• my kids are quite happy to play by themselves occasionally.
• my kids say please and thank you (95% of the time without being prompted).
• I get hugs and kisses several times each and everyday.
• my kids are happy and are willing to try anything.
• my kids love to play outside and rarely (if ever) ask to watch a movie or TV.

So in my eyes my husband and I are doing something right, in fact, several things right. For us these are important values and characteristics for our family to have and as our kids are only 2 1/2 and 1 1/2 years old I think we’re headed in the right direction.

Next time you’re beating yourself up over doing something “wrong” stop and realize that you and you alone are setting these expectations. Revisit the last year or so and see how far you’ve come. Give equal weight to the little wins as you do to your self professed failures. It’s empowering and can actually make you a better parent for it.

You might also enjoy:

Top 10 Essential Family Values

Overcoming The Guilt Of Under-Scheduling Our Kids

How To Be A Fantastic Parent

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Neal Frankle of Wealth Pilgrim.

You can strengthen and grow as a family –especially when times are tough and you face financial stress. Your children don’t have to be afraid or unsure. In fact, you can make the most impact on them and help them develop inner strength in times of difficulties.

I know a little about this subject.

When my father was faced with bankruptcy my parents didn’t do what I’m suggesting you do. He didn’t talk about it –even though everyone knew we were in trouble. The problem was, as kids, we had no idea what kind of trouble we were in. We didn’t know if we were going to be homeless or even broken up as a family. Maybe my parents didn’t want to worry us but worried we were.

You don’t have to in bankruptcy to benefit. If you’re facing financial pressure, don’t make the mistake my parents made. Here is an action plan that will empower your entire family:

1. Understand what’s going on. You are the captains of the ship. Your children want to know they have a strong leader who knows what’s going on at the helm. If you don’t know the extent of the problem the kids don’t either. But their imaginations will take over however. They’ll inflate the problem if you aren’t able to put it into perspective. Is debt the problem? Are you spending too much? How bad is the problem? What does it mean? Are you going to have to move? Where to? When? These are the questions they are asking themselves so be prepared with answers.

2. Get help before you give it. You’re going through the equivalent of an emotional juicer. You’re being squeezed from every angle. Don’t try to ignore it. Before you talk to your kids, talk to a close friend or therapist. Let it all hang out. Tell them how you feel. Sad. Angry. Afraid. Whatever.

Cry if you want to. It’s much better to get your emotions aired out before you talk to the kids. Your fear is the fuel that runs their imagination. Deal with your feelings so they manageable when you speak with your children.

3. Hammer out your plan. I alluded to the questions your kids are asking themselves.

What is the problem?

What does it mean?

Will you have to move?

Where?

When?

What has to happen before things improve?

When will that be?

Make sure you can answer all these questions before you call everyone together. If you don’t have the answers, talk to a trusted family friend or adviser and get the answers. Really be impeccable with your homework in this area.

4. Have the talk. My personal experience is that kids imagine a worst-case scenario that far exceeds reality. Like many people, my income dropped big time in 2008. My kids were really frightened. They had no idea how bad things were or how the new reality would impact our future as a family.

I went through the items above. I told them what the problem was (reduced income from my business) and what it meant (reduced discretionary spending).

I told them that our family vacations would be on ice and that certain luxury items would be eliminated for each of us.

I’ll be frank. Before I sat down to explain it to my children I was scared stiff. I figured they’d throw a fit and complain.

I couldn’t have been more mistaken.

What they threw instead were their arms around me in relief.

If you are facing some hardships, get prepared and then talk about it with your kids. Tell them what the problem is and what your plan is.

Have you faced similar difficulties? What was your experience?

This is a guest post by Neal Frankle. He writes about his personal jouney (from homeless to homeowner) and professional experience as a CFP. After reading this post, sign up to get his updates at Wealth Pilgrim.

Post written by Sherri Kruger. Follow me on Twitter.

I’m going to come out and say it: Being a stay at home mom is hard.

I say this not for sympathy, pity or to commiserate but as a statement of fact. There are days where I feel like supermom and I get an incredible amount of “stuff” done. Occasionally I have days where I don’t do a darn thing. If I’m not careful these days can extend into two days or three days or even a whole week. It’s at this point that I think “Wow if this was my job I wouldn’t keep me around!”

Being a stay at home mom is the ultimate self-employment gig of course without the pay check or health benefits.

Being self employed is tough and it takes the right kind of person to successfully pull it off. You need discipline to stick to deadlines since almost all are self imposed, you must set your own standards and live up to them, your time is yours to manage and if you don’t do something there’s no one there to cover for you.

I know I’m not alone in this. There are days when I am just completely exhausted. No excuses beyond that I’m just tired. It’s on these days that I force myself to re-group, re-focus and re-evaluate.

What is your role?

Take a few minutes to think about what your responsibilities are in your role, be it a stay at home parent or other wise. For me it includes the following:

• General house keeping
• Meal planning and preparation
• Child care
• Teaching my kids

Four points that’s it? … anyway.

Once you’ve listed out your duties, much like on a job description in, dare I say, the real world evaluate where you are.

Revisit your goals. What did you think you would accomplish in this role? Are you still on track? Have you slipped a little? Are you not living up to your own or mutually agreed upon expectations?

What’s going really well? What do you enjoy doing more than you initially thought you might? This may help you get a clear picture of what you’ve done, what direction you’re headed and if what you are actually doing is in line with the role you’ve taken on.

Get help when you need it. What do you need to be successful in this new role? Is there software, notebooks, or reference materials that could help? Remember that people are a fabulous resource as well. Seek out people who have been there before, who have built on or expanded an idea that can help you out. There’s no point in reinventing the wheel.

Now ask yourself based on all of the things you’ve listed out and had a chance to examine, would you fire you?

It may come across a bit harsh but look at it objectively. If I hired a house keeper, a personal chef and a nanny, looking at the state of my house right this very second would I fire any of them? Likely the housekeeper. :) Other days it would be the chef and on the rare occasion I would fire the nanny.

I like this little exercise because it gives me a chance to see what’s not working, where I may need a bit of help or inspiration, and where I need to pick up my game. My warning on all of this is to not be too hard on yourself. Life ebbs and flows. So while you may be rocking one aspect of your life another may not be so stellar. That’s okay. Go with it and check in occasionally.

Finally, celebrate. Celebrate your victories no matter how small. So you haven’t accomplished all you’ve set out to do. So what? Maybe you’ve finished some small yet significant task. Celebrate!

Post written by Sherri Kruger. Follow me on Twitter.

Don’t you just love to clean? I know me too!

I haven’t always enjoyed it though. I didn’t like to clean when it took all day or an entire weekend. We weren’t living in filth (let me just clear that up) but I used to put off a lot of things until the weekend, when I had more time. Over the years though I’ve a learned a thing or two about how to make cleaning easier and to get it before it gets me.

Never leave a room empty handed. With two active and inquisitive kids there is always something that needs to be returned somewhere. Whether it’s a sock, a pair of pants, a book or a coffee cup things tend to migrate in our home. When I leave a room I pick up at least one thing that doesn’t belong, more if I can carry it all, and take to where it should be. Doing this little bit through out the day helps cut down on what I need to pick up at the end of the day.

Keep horizontal surfaces clear. There’s a huge temptation to stack, pile or dump things on the first flat surface we encounter. I mean it’s so inviting all that space just waiting to “temporarily” hold something for us. The problem with temporary is it’s rarely ever that. Put things back where they belong as soon as you’re done with them.

Store cleaning products under each sink. This removes some of the friction to cleaning your bathroom or kitchen. Sure consolidating cleaning products into one central location may generate more space and less clutter but I find having the products under each sink to be a lot more convenient. When I’m done getting ready in the bathroom I can give it a quick once over before I leave and it’s done. I know that if the products were down the hall in the kitchen I wouldn’t do it nearly as often and it’s likely to become a bit grungy through out the week.

Reset the house nightly. After dinner, baths and the kids are in bed we usually do a 5 minute run through of the house to pickup and put away anything that has managed to escape my puttering during the day. It’s a great way to tidy up, especially if you have young kids who love to follow you around and “help”. Best part is you’re not faced with a mess to clean when you wake up in the morning. Love it!

Clean as you go. You’ve cooked and enjoyed dinner with the family, now you look at the kitchen <sigh>. A mound of dishes, a bunch of spills and sauces that have baked on. To make cleaning after dinner a breeze try cleaning as you go. Use a bowl to gather scraps of garbage, fill the sink with warm soapy water and wash up as you go, if you have a dishwasher use it, add water to pans with stuck on bits so there’s less elbow grease required to get it clean, and wipe up any spills or messes as they happen. All of this takes only a little extra effort and makes returning to the kitchen after your meal a lot more bearable.

Other bits and pieces that are great for making cleaning less of a chore:

• baby wipes – great for dusting furniture or running over hardwood floors
• lint rollers - great for dusting lamp shades and removing pet hair from furniture and clothing
• mini-vac – great for minor messes, cleaning spilled sugar out of cupboards and giving the stairs a quick once over
• baking soda – removes odors from the freezer, takes stains off of counter tops and out of tea cups. It’s also great for removing crayon from walls
• vinegar – great for washing windows and floors, removing hard water scales from kettles and irons and loosening burnt on food bits at the bottom of pans.
• rags – old socks, t-shirts and kitchen towels make excellent cleaning, dusting and all purpose cloths

The trick is to start with a good foundation. Once your house is clean and tidy it’s much easier to maintain. I’m sure there are a ton of other great ideas on making cleaning or running your home more efficient. Please share whatever you have in your cleaning arsenal so I can add it to mine. :)

Post written by Sherri Kruger. Follow me on Twitter.

How many times have you put off doing something because “now is not a good time”?

We get stuck waiting for the best moment to do things, for when circumstances are good, for when we’re ready.

Thing is, there’s never a “good” time.

There will never be a good time to finish high school, college, or university.

There will never be a good time to buy a house, start a family or get a dog.

There will never be a good time to say good-bye, walk away or quit.

There will never be a good time for bad things to happen.

There will never be a good time to pay off debt, invest or build an emergency fund.

There will never be a good time to have a tough conversation, to say I’m sorry or I love you.

There will never be a good time to change a habit, start exercising, or eating better.

There will never be a good time to get sick, have down time or take a vacation.

There will never be a good time to give bad news, or to get bad news.

There will never be a good time to head out on your own and start your own business.

There will never be a good time to get outside, visit a relative or make amends.

There will never be a good time …

Post written by Zen Family Habits contributor Suzannah. Follow her on Twitter.

There are many different theories about learning styles and multiple intelligences. Each underscores the idea that we are all individuals, with unique ways of learning and perceiving the world.

While you needn’t endorse any one of these theories in particular, it’s important to understand the ideas behind them. No two children think alike, act alike, react alike. Treating children the same, and teaching them in the same ways, can be detrimental to their learning, as well as their confidence.

Consider each individual’s unique abilities as learning strengths.

Some of the different types of styles/strengths are:

• Visual. Learning through pictures, diagrams, video, printed materials
• Physical. Using one’s hands and body to learn new concepts
• Auditory/Musical. The ability to learn through listening to speech and sounds, or to apply musical knowledge to other areas of learning
• Logical. Seeing things from a logical, scientific or mathematical standpoint
• Interpersonal. Connecting with others on a meaningful level, and to learning through interaction
• Intrapersonal. Learning through self-awareness and reflection

This is, by no means, an exhaustive list of the different learning styles, and there’s no black-and-white way to define them. People can have one dominant style, or any combination of strengths.

Your style of learning determines how you see the world, to a certain degree. It also determines what kind of things you enjoy doing for fun.

Within any given household, chances are each member has a style all his or her own. So, how can you adapt your family experiences to suit the needs of everyone?

1. Find out what makes each member tick. Try an online learning styles quiz, or simply ask each other questions so you can discover how your family learns best.
2. Rotate family activities based on preferences. One weekend might be sports in the park; the next might be a film at the movie theatre. Give each family member a day to choose an activity, and make sure everyone participates each week.
3. Consider sensitivities. Maybe one of your children is particularly athletic, and another is quietly artistic. Perhaps you’re the logical type, and your partner is creative. Whatever the mix in your household, be sure to show sensitivity toward others who have different strengths. No one style is better than another.
4. Respectfully drag one another out of comfort zones. With the right support, your family members will learn to push their boundaries and be able to enjoy different activities. The key is not to force, but to encourage.
5. Consider effects of learning styles. One of your children might receive high grades in academic subjects (math, English, languages), and lower grades in practical subjects (physical education, health, social skills). Or, the opposite could be true. Remember, no one is good at everything, but everyone is good at something.

We’re not all the same. We don’t learn the same ways, and we don’t all enjoy the same activities. But, within the context of love and support, we can learn to respect others’ styles and strengths, and perhaps even expand our own horizons.

Post written by jules from stonesoup | minimalist home cooking. Follow her on Twitter.

There are few foods as warming and comforting as a big bowl of soup.

Before the light at the end of the Winter tunnel starts to appear I thought it would be timely to share my favourite simple, soul-satisfying family soups.
Steaming and ready in ten minutes, just the thing for a quick mid week dinner.

While each soup is a meal in itself, I know some people do struggle to see soup as a proper dinner. If you’re cooking for someone of that persuasion just be sure to have some hot toast or crusty bread and butter on hand.

All these soups can be easily doubled or tripled if you are cooking for a larger family. They are also great for making in bulk and freezing for another meal.

My Dad lives on his own and is not exactly into cooking. Whenever I visit I make up big pots of these soups and freeze them in individual serves so he always has a home cooked meal at the ready.

pea and pasta soup with bacon

serves 4

This is my take on the classic ham and pea soup.

Frozen peas are a life saver when you’re in the mood for something green and the larder is empty. Peas are one of those vegetables that start to loose their natural sweetness and flavour as soon as they are picked so unless you have access to peas straight from the plant, frozen will generally taste better.

I’ve used bacon instead and served it in chunks on top but you could skip the bacon and use vegetable stock if you wanted a vegetarian soup.

4 rashers bacon

4 cups chicken stock

1/2 packet frozen peas (250g or 1/2lb)

200g or 7oz macaroni or other small pasta

1/2 bunch chives, chopped, optional

Cook bacon under a broiler or overhead grill until brown and crispy.

Meanwhile bring the stock to the boil in a large saucepan. Add peas and pasta and boil for about 8 minutes or until the pasta is cooked. Stir through chives, if using. Taste and season.

Serve soup topped with bacon pieces.

gently spiced lentil soup

serves 4

If you prefer not to use canned lentils. You could substitute in 1lb small green or brown lentils. They’ll take more than 10 minutes to cook.

Lentils love spices so feel free to play around. Some fresh or dried chilli would make a lovely addition but would take us over my 5 ingredient limit.

For the photo I left the lentils whole but if you prefer a less chunky soup feel free to puree some or all of it with a stick blender.

3 cloves garlic, finely sliced

3 teaspoons ground cumin

3 cans lentils, drained (400g or 15oz each)

3 cups chicken or vegetable stock

1 cup natural yoghurt
Heat 2 tablespoons olive oil in a large saucepan on a very high heat.

Add garlic and cook for about 30 seconds or until just starting to brown. Add cumin and stir for a few seconds then add the lentils and stock.

Bring to the boil and cook for 5 – 6 minutes or until the lentils are just starting to break down. Taste and season.

Serve with yoghurt.

zucchini (courgette) soup

serves 3-4

The fastest way to grate zucchini is using a food processor. If you don’t have one you could get some exercise and grate with a hand grater. Or just cut the zucchini into small chunks – they’ll take a little longer to cook.

The herbs add a some freshness at the end but the soup will be lovely without it.

2 cloves garlic, finely sliced

4 medium zucchini, grated

2 cups tomato passata

1/2 bunch basil or flat leaf parsley, leaves picked

parmesan cheese, to serve

Heat 2 tablespoons olive oil in a large saucepan and cook garlic over a high heat for 30 seconds or until just starting to brown. Add zucchini and cook stirring for a couple of minutes. Add passata and 2 cups water and bring to the boil. Simmer for 7-8 minutes or until zucchini is tender.

Taste and season and toss through herbs. Serve with cheese grated on the top.

chicken and couscous soup

serves 4

Couscous is brilliant in soup as it cooks quickly and adds a lovely hearty texture to make your soup more of a meal-in-a-bowl.

If you have access to kale or other hearty greens they may be substituted for the baby spinach for a more rustic soup.

6 cups chicken stock or broth

2 chicken breasts, finely sliced into ribbons

1/2 cup couscous

2 bags baby spinach, washed

4-5 tablespoons lemon juice

Bring the stock to the boil in a large saucepan.

Add chicken and cook for 2 – 3 minutes or until just cooked through. Scoop our the chicken and divide between 4 bowls. Keep warm.

Meanwhile return the broth to the boil. Add couscous and return to the boil then stir through the spinach leaves until they are just wilted. Add lemon juice, season and taste. Add a little more lemon juice if you think it needs it.
Divide couscous and spinach broth between the bowls and serve hot.

hot prawn (shrimp) soup

serves 4

If you can’t get your hands on fish or prawn stock, you can make your own using the heads and shells of the prawns. Just pop the heads and shells in a saucepan and cover with water. Simmer for 10 – 15 minutes then strain and you have a lovely fresh simple prawn stock. Alternately substitute in vegetable broth or dilute some chicken broth instead.

I prefer to use green prawns (shrimp) as I think they generally taste fresher and have a nicer texture but pre-cooked prawns would be fine. They won’t take as long to cook, so you’ll need to time adding them to the soup later.

This is another soup that would benefit from a little chilli for the hot heads.

6 cups fish or prawn stock

4 medium tomatoes, diced

12 – 16 large green prawns, peeled

5 limes

1 bunch cilantro (coriander), leaves picked

Bring stock and tomato to the boil in a large pot. Cook for 2 minutes then taste. Season well with salt or fish sauce.

Add prawns and simmer until the prawns change colour and go opaque. Add the juice of three limes and one lime thinly sliced into rounds. Taste and add a little more lime juice if it isn’t sour enough.

Divide between bowls and serve sprinkled with cilantro.

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Lindsey Mead Russel of A Design So Vast.

Last week, an email popped up in my inbox outlining all of the after-school activities available at my children’s private school. As I read about karate and hip hop and book club and chess, a familiar anxiety gnawed at me. Once again, I wondered if, in my rabid opposition to over-scheduling I have over-corrected and am depriving my children .

My daughter is allowed one after-school activity a week. My son has only just begun to show interest, but I will offer him the same choice in a year or so. I remember when Grace was a baby I fretted to the pediatrician that while my friends were at Mommy and Me music, gymnastics, etc, I mostly took my baby to the dry cleaner and the grocery store. He reassured me, “Don’t worry, she just wants to be with you.” Then he said, “you think this is hard now? Wait until she starts asking for activities.” And he was right. Grace is almost seven, and she regularly asks to participate in more after-school activities than I am prepared to okay. My response, repeated so often if feels like a chant or a hopeful prayer, is that “Different families make different choices.”

My active limiting of my children’s “programming” goes hand in hand with a general philosophy that refuses to build them up into exceptional geniuses. I wonder, again, if this has negative repercussions. Will they doubt that I love them? If adulatory motherhood is now the norm, will I seem cold and not proud in comparison? This could not be further from the truth. I am proud of them every day, with an intensity that continues to amaze me after almost seven years; I am proud watching my son struggle to stay afloat in the swimming pool and watching my daughter painstakingly sound out words in a Berenstain Bears book as she resolutely, slowly, learns to read. I don’t think I would describe either of my children exceptional on any dimension, and that does not make me any less proud. In fact it might make me more so. I aspire to raise happy, well-adjusted children who know how to listen to themselves, something I am admittedly weak at myself (it occurs to me that perhaps much of the intensity behind my belief is aspiring to give them something I wish I had more of). I want them to be able to entertain, make choices for, and trust themselves.

But I do feel guilty when I hear other parents talk about their child’s early reading, particularly impressive physical coordination, or early language acquisition. I simply don’t speak of Whit and Grace in those terms. Maybe I should? Am I dooming them to a life of mediocrity by refusing to extol virtues that I don’t really see? Don’t get me wrong: I love my children dearly, and because of that I think they are both downright terrific. I believe, however, that to focus on their exceptional promise and prowess at X or Y is to saddle them with both expectations and limits. I also view a lot of this exceptional-izing as competitive and I simply refuse to parent that way, because it undermines our tremendously strong common purpose: to support our children as best we know how.

But I do find myself wondering whether both my stubborn refusal to let my children fill their free hours with “enriching” activities and my disinclination to laud them as little prodigies is in some way harmful. I fear that I am letting them down by not being more flowery in my praise of them, and yet I keep bumping into my fundamental instincts that point in another direction. Even in an area where I feel relatively confident about my biases, doubt creeps in, mingling with my intuition; perhaps this combination of fear and sureness is the definition of motherhood. Is it driven by anything external, or is it just my own lack of confidence speaking? Is it inescapable, this essential uncertainty? I think it is this insecurity that underlies the comparisons and the effusive, designed-for-public-consumption praise. So for now I’ll keep following the intuition that howls loudly in one ear while trying to answer the doubts that whisper in the other.

You can read more from Lindsey at her blog, A Design So Vast.